


Spin Cycle (dirty laundry)

by marsakat



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anger, Angst, Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sex, M/M, Nude Photos, Scandal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-12-18 00:34:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11862933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsakat/pseuds/marsakat
Summary: There were many tweets warning others‘don't share the pics.  You’re an asshole if you do. Be respectful!'but it didn’t take Tyler too long to uncover the first of the photos.Everything changed after that.





	1. closet's such a mess

**Author's Note:**

  * For [troubledsouls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/troubledsouls/gifts).



> _I don't believe in saints_   
>  _They never make mistakes_   
>  _I know it's not my place_   
>  _Who am I to tell you that you need to change?_

Tyler could tell something was happening on the internet, hints on their Twitter mentions, teases in their timelines.  Disaster was on the horizon, and it was causing anxiety to bubble out from his lungs as he couldn’t pinpoint where exactly it was coming from. All the suspicious posts seemed to be laughing at a joke he didn’t know, but it was at the expense of something important to him.

He stood at the bus’ bathroom sink, absently brushing his teeth in the tiny space while obsessively refreshing his mentions. Tyler debated whether to bring this up to other people or figure it out himself.  There were many tweets warning others _‘don't share the pics.  You’re an asshole if you do. Be respectful!'_  but it didn’t take Tyler too long to uncover the first of the photos.

His initial full view of the photo was so overwhelming, he immediately clicked out and tossed his phone away.  Tyler’s heart was racing faster than the sprint to the FOH tower, climbing up to pour his emotions out to a sea of upturned faces.  A scream was rising in his lungs but caught in his throat, cut off as shock strangled him. He grabbed the phone and, like witnessing a horrifying video, peeked gradually at it until he was desensitized to the jolt.

It had to be fake.

It had to be manipulated—kids these days were just too good at Photoshop. He reasoned they must have combined a photo of Josh with the lower half of a porn actor, or it could just be a really good look-alike. The knots twisting his windpipe were just from the surprise of an explicit photo, not from the recognition of the body on his phone’s screen.

The more evidence he found, the more he didn't understand how this came to be. How did they get access to such private places? Had Josh been hacked? Tyler was now entertaining the likelihood this was real, because his close evaluation wasn’t turning up signs of photo editing that Mark and Brad had taught him; a fuzzy line, misalignment of the tattoos, warped backgrounds. It was all flawless, inescapably real.

Tyler couldn’t stare any longer; he needed to know what everyone was saying. Surely the fans would not believe that this was Josh. Tyler knew Josh better than most people—he was around eighty-five percent sure Josh didn’t even have nudes. Didn’t they both have an innocent reputation? The fans would probably let this blow over, but the critics and haters were a different matter. His heart plummeted at every negative tweet, fully understanding he was only at the beginning of a rollercoaster.

_“do you think @tylerrjoseph has seen yet????”_

_“how soon till @tylerrjoseph kicks @joshuadun out of the band?”_

_“Spooky Jim Christmas…more like Joshua William HUNG. @tylerrjoseph @joshuadun”_

_“does @tylerrjoseph know????”_

_“I love how you can see the @tylerrjoseph tattoo. Joshler 4eva”_

_“joshler is dead. I’m so sorry @tylerrjoseph”_

_“do u think he poses like that for @tylerrjoseph?”_

_“im fcking screamng. does @tylerrjoseph know??”_

They were cruel, and Tyler began to feel his assumptions about Josh begin to erode. His old enemy, Doubt, began to creep in like oil on water. He started to question, started to worry—was Josh hiding something? Tyler found more and more brutal words, and while he may have been unsure about Josh at that moment, he knew enough to know that this would completely break him.

_“hey @jennajoseph how does it feel to know youre husband’s probably been fucking his band mate all along?”_

_“@jennajoseph better call a lawyer.”_

_“@tylerrjoseph is a homophobic asshole, so @joshuadun is definitely out of the band”_

_“fuckin hypocrites you better hold up the pride flag now @twentyonepilots”_

_“I can’t believe @joshuadun is gay!”_

_“@dunlaura did you know your son was such a slut?”_

Tyler felt such rage that they were bringing Josh’s family and Jenna into whatever this was.  He was the one that put himself on display, not them—it crossed the line to draw their attention to these pictures. To send a flood of more photos, unearthed like insects under a rock, to people that never asked for any of this. His stomach crawled with the sick shame of guilt, though he wasn’t the one saying this to them, he was responsible for dragging them into this public humiliation.

Every new picture he found, shared by people who didn't care about the warnings from the other fans, Tyler committed to memory. The people who were happy to mock, objectify, tear down the person in the photos who was easily recognizable by the distinctive tattoos. He felt like he had been plunged into freezing water, all air leaving his lungs, and everything was falling apart. The safe little world of respect between them and the fans had been invaded, and the atmosphere poisoned.

Tyler wondered if maybe he was exaggerating it in his head, a tendency he normally had, but there had been something scratching the back of his brain.  He’d been wondering for awhile that Josh maybe _had_ been hiding something for a long time, and it wasn’t Tyler’s usual paranoia.

Tyler needed a source to this chaos, and with enough hunting, the Internet would provide such answers. It took a tweet tagging the person who proved to be a key to this whole mess, though.

_“@toptop338 nice pics. so did you fuck @joshuadun with a drumstick?”_

And the response, _“he prbly wanted 2 but im not that freaky…or maybe I am.  Either way he was walkin funny. #Donate today 1-800-sore-ass”_

Tyler clicked on the profile and didn’t have to go far to find what he’d been looking for.  Pinned right to the top: “the time I saved a drum and banged a drummer.”

" _Alright, fam. Siddown cuz I have a great story for yall bout the time I fucked a closeted celeb"_

_"So i was on grindr like usual and i msgd this guy n all his pics were just his torso and idgaf cuz he ws ripped af."_

_"he mustve been rly horny cuz w/in an hr i hd his nudes & hotel rm" _

_" & im like damn thats a mad expensive hotel. hes lik yea im in a band ofc that gets me jnto an uber and on my way to get laid" _

_"usually i just meet up wit grindr guys at clubs like public places but today im like this guy could murder me idgaf $$$$$$"_

_"if ur gonna get murdered get ur ass murdered in luxury ok $$$$$$"_

_"nyway i go to his rm hoping hes not gonna knife me & he opens the door &surprisingly attractive? says his name is johnny & we have a drink" _

_"btw idk him at this point like he dsnt look familiar and he refuses to tell me wht band hes in. so either hes lying or actually important"_

_"hes lik pretty nervous till i kissed him & u kno what happens next. blew each other then fucked for like 4hrs." _

_"yea he may have looked kinda toppy but this def wasnt his 1st time bottoming. he rly fuckin liked it but im damn good so"_

_"afterward he got sooo clingy & sad &stuff like wanting to spoon & thats when i knew he was probly in an emo band" _

_"idk he opened up about all this shit and im lik im not ur therapist."_

_"but jk i can pretend to be nice and thats when he told me who he rly was & i was like holy shit. waited till he fell asleep and left" _

Tyler felt rage rising inside of him as he read down the thread, knowing it was only going to get worse. If could've been anyone, it could've been anyone, this asshole could’ve just kept it to himself. But the world is full of scumbags looking for attention, with instigators just looking for a scandal.  Sure enough, there was a challenge.

" _You're killin me with the teasing_ @ _toptop833  pics or it didn't happen"_

_"@q33bo2 kudos if you can figure out"_ preceded a slew of pictures, the full set of this crumb trail he’d been finding all over the internet.

It was clearly Josh's torso, his arm, his lips and jaw, Tyler knew those parts of him easily as would anyone else that saw those photos. What made his whole world collapse was Josh's hand in his Calvin Klein underwear, gripping his dick, then pulling it out in the next photo, displayed for the whole internet to see.

Screenshots of messages of Josh saying things that were uncharacteristic of him. Lewd comments that would have his mother ashamed, and Tyler could only cringe.

" _Snuck a quick photo of him in action. Boy looks good on his knees_ "

Finally Tyler could see his eyes, and he knew them better than anyone else's. Mostly closed, mouth stretched around the dick of the man taking the photo, yellow hair in disarray.  The picture was a little blurry, but the important, identifying characteristics were unmistakeable. The color and tattoos pinpointed this as some time recently. Another photo finished off the set; Josh curled on his side, asleep and disheveled. The story fit.

Tyler couldn't stop wading through the whole mess, seeing the first reply from a fan that spread this fire. For a long time he did nothing, ignoring the buzzing of his phone with people eager to tell him what was happening.

Sometimes Tyler was overcome by these sensations of deja-vu in moments he definitely hadn't lived through before. It was as if his subconscious had predicted this, fantasizing about a worst case scenario where Josh's secrets became catastrophically revealed.

He needed to find Josh, to protect him, but they were trapped on separate buses, and someone was hammering on the door of the bathroom.

"Tyler, are you okay in there? Open up!" Jordan shouted through the door.

"Did you fall in?"

"Quit screwing around, Dan. This isn't funny." Jordan said sharply, "Tyler, c'mon. You need to come out.  We’re stopping at a rest stop... Josh needs you."

By the tone of his voice, Tyler could tell two things. First, that everyone already knew, and second, that Tyler was too late to find Josh and protect him from the fall out. Apparently he knew what was happening, and he was not reacting well.

It figured that when Josh needed Tyler's emotional support the most, Jenna wasn't around to be his rock. He knew he needed her to get him through this, to help them both, but she was back home at a family even he couldn't accompany her.

As if she knew his heart was breaking and crushed beneath the magnitude of the crisis, his wife’s name flashed across his phone screen.

"Jenna?" He answered, with shaking hands and voice.

"Ty..." she sighed sadly. She knew. “Where are you?”

“B-bathroom.  Can’t—” his voice cracked and lungs choked.

“Ty, babe, breathe with me, okay?”

She counted softly, and he listened. Only a few sobs escaped. No one had died, but why did it feel like he was in mourning?

“Need… to help… him. But I don’t… know.”

Tyler found it hard to gather the words to describe to her the fear and loss swirling in his mind.  Not the loss of a person, but of the safe bubble, the quiet security they had come to enjoy.  Not only were they on display for the world to examine, but he could already hear the ridicule from that multitude of hidden faces behind a screen.

“Don’t know how?”

“N-no. Yes. Don’t know how I feel. Don’t know what I can do for him.” His hands suddenly shook so hard he almost dropped the phone.  How long had he been kneeling here? He didn’t remember going to the grimy floor.

She’d been called to get Tyler to unlock the door, and get his mind ready for dealing with this.  She knew there was still something loyal within Tyler that could get him to stop hiding and go comfort Josh.

“I understand if you’re shocked and upset. This is all very...confusing and scary.” Her voice was so soothing, Tyler felt as if she was the one person he could hold onto in this hurricane.

“Why didn’t he tell me?” Tyler asked plaintively. “I thought we told each other everything.”

“Sometimes people have secrets they don’t want to tell the people they love the most. And maybe he’s just afraid of what you’d... I don’t know, baby, I’m still shocked too, but…” She sighed, “He’s still Josh, right? He’s still your best friend.”

“Y-yeah.”

Tyler felt so small, so unsure of himself and everything he had believed. Everything felt hyper-surreal; his fingers tingled like he wasn’t really in his body, and the ground shook. He was trapped in a waking nightmare,just waiting for his alarm.

Jenna had kept talking, but trapped in a haze, Tyler didn’t follow what she was saying besides validating his emotions that not even he was too sure of.

“I don’t want to think about what I’m feeling. I need to do something.”

“Okay... It’s okay... Can you unlock the door?”

“I love you,” he said, standing up. “I need to—I’ll call you later.  I have to see him. Josh needs me and—” he tasted his teeth again.“And I may be mad or something, I don’t know, but I need to tell him...Tell him....”

“It’s okay to feel—”

“What I feel doesn’t matter. This isn’t about me.” He unlocked the door, opening expecting to see an army and instead only finding Jordan patiently waiting. “Jenna, I love you. I’ll call you later.”

“I love you too,” and the call ended.

Tyler took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he had to do next.

“I’m ready. Where is he?”


	2. filled up with all the skeletons

Like Tyler, Josh was trapped in the bathroom, unable to move or leave, as if staying in this tiny space would protect him from everyone else. The singer arrived, informed by Jordan that Josh was in some sort of catatonic state. He’d apparently been on his phone in his bunk when he discovered the leak and had sprinted right to the toilet, locking himself in. Everyone had been working on coaxing him out, but Josh had refused, only letting the door open long enough for Mark to slip inside.

Outside of the bathroom there was activity; everyone else was either working—on the phone with venues and the label—or waiting to see what would happen next. He knew and trusted practically everyone there, but this was going to be just him and Josh—Tyler needed everyone to leave.

He murmured to the tour manager, who announced it for him: “Everyone—out.  Go to the other bus, the rest stop, I don’t care.”

They listened, moving around Tyler who kept going in the opposite direction towards the two people who couldn’t leave. Mark looked relieved to see him, as if he’d been thinking the delay was a sign that Tyler wasn’t going to accept Josh for who he was now revealed to be.

There was barely any room in the bathroom to begin with, and Mark was unwilling to leave Josh’s side just yet, so Tyler hovered in the doorway.

“He’s been like this for an hour or so,” Mark said, indicating the completely still drummer. He was hunched over the tiny toilet in an old t-shirt and boxers, hands clutching the rim like an anchor with no movement besides his breathing as he kneeled. Mark was crouched next to him, holding a wet washcloth to his neck in a cramped position. Mark tried to shift and avoid complaining about the ache, since Josh’s distress far exceeded his own discomfort.

“I’ve tried to get him off the floor, but every time we try, he just starts throwing up.” 

Mark brushed Josh’s hair back from where it fell around his sweaty face. Tyler tried to ignore the sweetly sick smell of Josh’s body attempting to purge all the anxiety and stress and disgust, seeking to turn itself inside out. The retching episodes made him convulse, forcing tears to drop from his bloodshot eyes. But in between, in this empty state—he appeared motionless to the outside world, though Tyler could tell that Josh’s mind was in torment.

“He’s not really doing anything besides gagging and sitting there. Hasn’t cried or anything— I don’t even know if he can hear me…” Mark leaned closer. “Josh? Tyler’s here.”

Maybe Tyler understood Josh more than he thought he did at the current moment, somehow knowing exactly what his brain was cycling through. Something told him Josh must be thinking about every person important to him seeing those tweets and pictures. The disappointed faces of everyone; from his mother to his kindergarten teacher, haunting Josh, who was forcibly imagining them finding out. Tyler knew his mind and how much he tried to make his loved ones proud— that this was what he was terrified of all along.

Tyler’s mouth moved, but no words came out. He was here, he was going to help, but he had no idea where to begin. What was he supposed to say to a man whose whole life had come crashing down, where nothing else more embarrassing could have happened? Josh had been violated so publicly, that a simple ‘Hey Josh’ wouldn’t be an acceptable way for Tyler to start comforting him.

So Tyler said nothing, just nudged Mark with his foot until he switched with him, taking his place on the floor. Tyler lifted a hand to rub soft circles on Josh’s back, finding the shirt to be damp, humid from the sweat and heat of his skin. Josh had been holding back, letting the pressure build, but now he was flooding the bathroom with his tears. He was feverish, as if this secret had incubated in him like a virus, and was just now radiating out of him in waves of sickness.

“Josh…” Tyler said quietly, after some time passed. “This all really sucks, but um, on the bright side…you have some really good nudes.”

Mark look scandalized, but Josh burst out laughing, the dam breaking. His whole body shook with gales of hilarity, and he couldn’t form any words to express the explosion of emotions he was feeling.  Even Tyler chuckled, but his face slipped back to concern when he realized the laughter had turned to sobs.

Josh groaned, covering his face with his hands. “I-I’m sorry, Tyler.  I’m so s-stupid,” he said in a hoarse voice, thick with regret.

"It's okay to feel this way, dude. What he did was so terrible—"

"No I'm stupid for going out and h-hooking up with a stranger. I'm such a...such a..."

Tyler didn't have a chance to say anything, because Josh jerked forward, dry heaving. His muscles bunched and spasmed under Tyler's hand.

“Tyler," Mark whispered, holding out a fresh compress. Tyler took it without a word and wiped the sweat and matted hair off Josh's flushed forehead. Involuntarily, he sighed and relaxed.

Tyler had only the faintest sense of just how much time was spent in calming Josh enough to bring him into the back lounge which was so much more comfortable. A trash can was nearby just in case, but it seemed like his nausea had subsided. 

Josh rocked silently on the couch between them, arms wrapped around himself to constrict all the emotions threatening to burst forth. Tyler wondered what would be the best option; to have him talk it out, or to just be silently strong for Josh. He wished Jenna could be there to tell him what to do next. 

Josh broke the silence, “Mark, c-can I have my phone back?”

“I don't have it.” Mark patted Josh's back. 

“Please?”

“Uh, I don't think that's a good idea,” Mark said, giving Tyler a significant look. Someone, or several someones, had evidentially confiscated Josh’s phone. Tyler decided that this had been a smart move on their part, because Josh was definitely not ready to handle the storm of criticism waiting for him on the internet. 

“This is everything I've feared,” Josh confessed, defeated. “I never thought I was any good at keeping secrets but, now I look back and...Oh God, I've fucked up big time. Everyone knows now.”

Tyler didn't realize his hands were balled into fists in his lap, the anger so insidious he was reacting without awareness. 

He knew there was more to this whole catastrophe, could see Josh balancing the words ‘I've slept with countless guys’ on the tip of his tongue. Tyler felt such inexplicable rage that he wanted to shake him, though no one could tell from the blank, neutral look on his face. He screamed at himself internally for having such a violent impulse. He’d never, ever had an issue with gay people before, so why did he feel so betrayed by Josh? 

“Everyone… oh shit, my parents. My mom—They're never going to speak to me again.” Josh’s hands pulled at his hair in distress. 

“That's not true,” Mark said quickly. “Josh, no matter what, you've got me and Tyler.” Another look silently at Tyler as if to say ‘Right?’

“We've got your back, man. No matter who you—What you—,” Tyler faltered, “I'm there for you.”

He meant it all, and reassured him with a squeeze to his knee, at the same time wondering who the man sitting next to him was, and how much he had to hide. 

Josh turned to look him in the eyes, searching between both for sanctuary, and Tyler prayed Josh wouldn't read the conflict happening within. After several heartbeats, Josh’s face lightened into the merest suggestion of a smile, and Tyler breathed. He passed the test, and still had Josh's trust.

“I need my drums,” Josh said, and Tyler should've known better than to assume Josh would want to do anything else but. 

“Sound check?” Tyler replied. Mark look dumbfounded as the two stood up, but he should've known better, after all. 

* * *

Their steps fell in sync, and Tyler started telling some story about a family vacation he knew Josh had heard many times before, but it wasn't like he was listening anyway. Tyler just needed to fill this silence, trying to carry on as usual. Josh was hunched over, trying to appear as inconspicuous as possible while crew and stagehands alike avoided staring at either of them. Tyler wanted to take Josh’s hand, rub his thumb over the bones and veins while telling him that he was worth more than a punchline on some gossip website.

And Tyler had nearly built up enough courage to do just that, ready to grab Josh’s hand in a way that felt so much more intimate than any other time they had held hands before, but Josh was busy fumbling with the hood of his light blue hoodie. He adjusted it like putting on armor, covering his beacon-like hair, and thrusting his hands into the pockets so the hoodie stretched as far as he could reach down. The moment was lost. 

Tyler switched to talking about the logistics of the show. It was the same old conversation they had every day, but Josh replied with mere grunts. Tension hung humid in the air, and Tyler busied himself with his routine once he got on the stage. He of course kept one eye on Josh, realizing that he’d been doing that all along anyway; the drummer busied himself by playing the softest he could. 

As an example to Josh that they were continuing as if nothing has happened, Tyler tried to be as normal and professional as possible. . Tyler should've taken the plain fact that Josh wasn't hammering his distress upon the drums as a sign that this wasn't enough. They tuned up and were halfway through Heathens when Tyler turned to Josh after a series of missed beats, and took in his sweaty, pale face, recognizing that he was panicking.

Tyler stopped singing, already taking off his bass to grab the drummer, who was drowning in anxiety, hyperventilating with his head barely above the water. Fully aware that so many eyes were upon them, Tyler pulled Josh to safety and privacy like a life preserver.  The steps forward had only been dragged back by the weight of everyone watching him, and Josh cried harder than he had in years. His refuge onstage was too public for the mockery that was to come, and Tyler wondered if, for the first time in years, Josh wouldn’t be stage right that night. 

Tyler got him into one of the dressing rooms, half carrying him to the couch and putting a paper bag to his mouth to help the hyperventilating. Their most trusted crew members hung around outside, giving them what little privacy they had left, but waiting in case they were needed. 

“Would you be okay with talking to Jenna?” Tyler asked desperately, when nothing he had said worked to reassure Josh. Already pulling out his phone, the small nod from Josh was permission enough to call in their best option. 

“How is he?” she asked without greeting. 

“Not good. Please talk to him” Tyler continued to stroke Josh’s back, while pressing the phone to his friend’s ear. 

He couldn't hear what Jenna said over Josh’s ragged breaths, the tinny voice through the speaker indistinguishable, but the effect was quick. In minutes, she had stopped his rapid wheezes, and he had begun to mumble soft ‘okays’ to her. 

“I've ruined everything for him,” Josh said to her. “He-he should hate me. I've ruined our image!”

Obviously Tyler was being discussed, and he felt a squirming discomfort, a nagging he hadn’t realized was even there, but which had become noticeable now that Josh had said it. Tyler could never hate Josh, but he was right, after all. There was no going back to the uncontroversial, apolitical stance. Nevertheless, it hurt to know that Josh thought Tyler would put the band before his best friend’s well being. Never in a million years could he ever hate Josh for this mess and all its repercussions, so Tyler shoved away that whole train of thought.

Their friendship could be easily compared to marriage; the other person is far from perfect, but if you love them enough, you can weather the storms. 

Tyler wondered what Jenna was saying, hoping she'd defend his loyalty. Whatever she said, Josh replied “I hope so,” and looked up at him carefully. 

Tyler was suddenly hit with a dizzying, rushing sensation to the head as rage took over his mind/body, focused on the person who had unearthed these secrets. 

“Josh, you're my best friend no matter what. And we're gonna make it through this,” Tyler said, through the spinning colors and explosions in his head, as hatred, so acute and unlike he ever felt before, tore his soul apart. 

He wanted to destroy the person that broke the man he cared so much about, who was sitting next to him and crying as his world was ruined. How could someone so insidiously worm their way into Tyler’s brain and bring forth such awful feelings about someone he loved? 

In that moment he saw clearly what he had to do; first and foremost protect and defend Josh, and then secondly—to make sure that other guy would pay. He let Jenna talk Josh down until the choking breaths stopped, and Josh leaned back against the couch after handing him his phone back. He looked so weary with eyes half lidded and red, watching Tyler say his goodbyes to Jenna with a whispered promise of ‘we’ll talk later.’

They were still touching. They were always touching and grounding each other, that had always been their way, regardless of arguments or bad times, and this was no different. Tyler needed to communicate that he didn’t see Josh as something disgusting, as the drummer clearly thought everyone would judge him to be. 

“We’re going to figure this out, Josh,” Tyler promised. “This isn’t going to stop us. Take all the time you need.  Hell, if you wanna cancel—”

“No!” Josh interrupted. “I’ve gotta do the show tonight. I can’t—I can’t... Ty, I’ve got to.”

“Okay…okay…” Tyler wondered how feasible it was, picturing every possible way they could get Josh onstage, but still with protection. A mask the whole time? Keep the lights off him?

“I don’t wanna be weak. I don’t want them to think I’m hiding, but... I don’t know if I can let  _ them _ see me.”

Tyler knew there was a difference between the two groups of ‘them.’  The former were the critics and tabloid-types who were frothing at the mouth reporting on every illicit detail, who were praying that Josh would collapse on stage. They were the ones always waiting for Josh and Tyler to fall. 

_ Them _ was the fans, and what they thought of Josh and Tyler mattered more to the band than the ones who thrived at their failures. Both Tyler and Josh  knew what they meant to a majority of their fans. They hadn’t realized the consequences of going this far and getting this famous had upon the wellbeing of so many others. Both felt the load of helping so many people like a weight upon their shoulders. To let them down by acting anything less than professional or appropriate would be to hurt them. Would this be the thing to drive the fans away?

And now, to be so exposed and vulnerable, it was scary to think if the fans would not show up. Would the trust be lost?

“I need to run,” Josh said, and Tyler wasn’t sure if he meant to exercise or to escape. Images of Josh standing on the ledge of some local bridge crashed into his overactive imagination. He didn’t want Josh to leave his sight for even a second. 

It had been a long time since Tyler had been terrified of what Josh was going to do next, and he was suddenly reminded of old fears from way back when, when they had been younger, and more broken. Late night whispered revelations and several dark moments had been enough to tell Tyler that his best friend wasn't immune to such thoughts. He didn't want to, but couldn't help contemplating how dangerous it was to let Josh be alone right now. 

“Let's go find a treadmill,” Tyler said with trepidation, but Josh didn't protest being kept inside. 

Josh swayed slightly as he stood, and Tyler remembered that he was running on empty. 

“Hey, you should probably eat something, or you're gonna pass out.” Tyler touched his arm with concern. “How about…” he cast his eyes around the room, looking at the food the venue provided. “I've got Reese’s Puffs,” he said, with an attempt at a grin. 

Josh's mouth twitched as if he were trying to reciprocate the smile, but everything about his face and stance betrayed the overwhelming heaviness he felt. He ate the cereal dry; navigating a bowl and spoon would have been too much, but at least he had some sort of nourishment today, Tyler reasoned. His mother would've been proud of him for being so forward thinking, but then his stomach dropped at the thought of his own family’s reaction to this news. 

Tyler had been ignoring those messages, assuming they probably called Jenna once they reached Tyler's voicemail five times in a row. He didn't want to deal with anyone else right now besides Josh, though he knew the time would come soon when they all had to face their own parents. 

He always expected the worst, and should've trusted them more. There was just the ever-present, nagging fear that his parents wouldn't accept, well, him— but really, Josh was just an extension of Tyler, and to judge one was to condemn the other. 

Josh seemed to be running to block the world out. Josh still didn't have his phone, so he couldn’t crank up his headphones high enough for Tyler to hear them across the room where he was keeping guard, like he usually would’ve. Instead, he just alternated between speeds as if to outrun his own mind. Josh panted as he tried to maintain beyond his normal pace, sometimes a choked sob breaking through, but he maintained a stoic face as the time counted upwards on the machine. 

Tyler felt his phone burning in his pocket, and realized that this  was possibly the longest he'd gone purposefully not looking at it for awhile. It felt awkward just sitting there and staring at Josh, but he didn't want to be a temptation for him to look at his own phone. Nevertheless, Tyler’s fingers strayed up his thigh, dancing around his pocket’s edge, just about to pull out the awaiting torrent of criticism when Josh hopped off the treadmill. 

“I'm done,” he muttered, sweat covering his face and soaking his shirt. His lip was bloodied from the ripping his teeth had wrecked upon it. 

“What do you want to do now?” Tyler was going to follow him wherever he went, already readying himself to join Josh in the shower if need be. 

“Drums. Wanna warm up.”

Tyler didn't need to say that warming up now would be ridiculous since there were many hours left till they went back on stage. But he shut his mouth, and like a dutiful guard dog, stood by Josh’s side. 

Josh was the first person to bring up the show that night. 

“I don't know if I want people to see me” he said, resting his drumsticks on the practice pad. 

“Keep the mask on,” Tyler replied, already having thought of this option awhile ago. 

“I don't want people to say I'm weak for hiding.” Josh started chewing on the knuckle of his thumb. “I just...don't know how I'm going to get on stage tonight without...like, throwing up or freaking out.”

“I know, man.” Tyler picked at his jacket sleeve. “You’ve just gotta do what you need to do, and I’ll—I’ll have your back.”

“Thanks, man,” Josh rocked from side to side slightly.

“Let’s just...do what we normally do, you know?” Tyler said. “Not, like, half-ass it, but just do the show as we’ve been doing it. That’s probably easier than, uh, making up something new?”

* * *

Stick to what you know; that's the comfort Tyler needed to take in this surreal world he felt as if he’d descended into. They put on the same costumes they had every night. Nothing was changed; the lights stayed on Josh exactly as they were plotted, he went through the motions that had become almost like choreography. Tyler was simply amazed by how strong Josh was; how he could go from falling apart on a bathroom floor to shedding his layers and exposing himself for ridicule in front of a hungry crowd.

A hungry crowd that cheered and screamed for him, because these were their fans after all.  These were not the deviants cackling behind screens and through keyboards, who were likely waiting for cracks to show in the professional, seemingly unperturbed shell Josh had created around himself. Tyler hoped Josh was being buoyed by the support of the fans who seemed, if anything, overly energetic tonight. For the first time since the morning, Tyler felt some happy-warmth creep into his heart at the idea that the fans knew his words weren’t meaningless when he asked them to sing and shout— the two of them needed everyone right now more than ever.

For all the thankfully typical and uneventful moments that happened on stage that night, the microphone between them stayed silent. No secret messages, no jokes, no casual conversation about what they were going to eat after the show, and no awestruck delight at the fact that they were  _ living their dream _ — there were no words between them at this show. Josh may have been performing like it was any other night, but his face never slipped from a blank mask of determination.

Josh had given him a look early on in the show that said ‘don’t ask me how I’m doing because I’m barely holding it together’— and it wasn’t the first time Tyler had seen it. Usually, it was followed by something breaking, and Tyler was surprised that all the drumheads made it through the show from just how hard Josh was hammering away.

Tyler felt his insides squirming more than normal, rolling with the age-old fear that one day Josh would realize he hated Tyler. He already felt everything in his mind spinning out of control with all the thoughts he’d been ignoring since the day had been so busy with trying to help Josh. Tyler tried to stay present in the moment, push them back away to deal with at another time, though preferably never.

He tried his best to not check in with Josh, but there was a brief moment near the end where they came face-to-face. 

“Hey man, you’re doing gr—” 

Tyler’s voice was too cheery. Josh pulled his sweaty arm away from the singer’s hand and shook his head.

“Just gotta get through this.” Josh’s voice cracked and he disappeared.

The slight glow of hope in his heart was an inferno of rage once again, and he wanted to scream till his throat bled and the speakers exploded with the cacophony of anger. It radiated from him as he pounded away at the keys through the last songs. He was so raw, an exposed wire, and he wanted to shock, strike fear in the hearts of the people who had led to this moment.

Tyler felt angry at their plan to do nothing different; what was the point? He wanted revenge, retaliation— if anything, he wanted to threaten. Even if he had no power or anything to back up the warning, he just wanted to puff out his chest and defend what was his.

Despite his anger, Tyler played the  _ Trees _ chords softly, letting old tune ring through the arena as the audience waited with baited breath. They knew what had happened on the internet that day and what had been revealed. Everyone there knew that Tyler had to say  _ something _ because he was the voice of the group, the one to react and provide inspiration. His brain ran over the words forming in his mouth like water gliding over river stones. When he finally spoke the water would fall forth, and it would be too late to control it. He had to make a statement, because to say nothing said a lot to those watching their every move.

Tyler ignored the eyes, especially Josh’s, focusing on a point far away in the arena as he let his words pour into the microphone.

“In my— my lowest times,” he said quietly into the mic, “I’ll think of this moment, and all of you people here... It’s all about you, every one of you coming here tonight and giving us everything. That’s the whole point of this, you know… we come here together and the music...the music unites us. And you give us the purpose, you’ve made this all possible for us, so thank you.”

The audience cheered and screamed his name, which was always a shocking occurrence - the idea that people cared what he said. He had the stage, the means to say what needed to be said, and he thought briefly of the laughing opportunist, undoubtedly going to spin this speech to make the two of them look like fools. Tyler didn’t want to take this lying down, didn’t want to passively accept the fact they’d lost. 

The high road seems too steep when one is boiling with rage, spurred on by a crowd of thousands who rallied their support.

“We’ve got one more song for you, and I have one more thing to say before we get to it. This man to my right is one of the nicest, funniest, greatest people I know.” Tyler kept going, talking over the roar of approval, his voice serious and raising in volume.“He’s a better person than me by far, and whatever some little scumbag on the internet says about him, just know that not only would I die for Josh Dun, I would kill for him, too.”

The venue was so quiet, shocked by the venom of his words. Tyler dropped his voice, and murmured into the microphone words that were not missed. 

“Hurt him and I will find you.”

The meaning of the first line of  _ Trees _ changed as the audience tried to comprehend what had just happened in front of their eyes. Tyler had never been so over-the-top angry; a few outbursts in the past that were always controlled, steady on the attack at people who were acting up in the pit. He was shaking, and he tried to not let it show, as the implications of his outburst began to swirl— Tyler knew he’d be beating himself up over this.

But the monster in his chest cheered with the crowd, the adrenaline filling his veins as they rocketed through the song and were up on the crowd before he even knew it.  Tyler pounded at the drum harder than ever. Tyler needed control  _ back _ , needed to take over this chaotic situation. He couldn’t handle the loss of power over their image, so he was going to wrench it back with everything he had.

He spread his arms, floating above the crowd with water and sweat and confetti sticking to his steaming skin. Tyler surveyed the crowd from beneath his brow, unaware of Josh scampering back to the stage in his peripheral vision. In that moment, it wasn’t about Josh, and only hindsight would illuminate how selfish that was. For Tyler, he was just drawing the bullets to him. While he never saw himself as a fighter, pulling the focus had to,  _ had to _ , minimize the shrapnel aimed at the drummer.

Tyler joined Josh, though neither said anything to the other, both fighting through many conflicting, confusing emotions. Tyler didn’t know his own mind, besides this new emotion that was encompassing everything, taking away all the shock. He needed time to retreat and work through this, explore the humming, burning energy.

No matter what, though they didn’t exchange any subtle arm squeezing, or whispered support, Tyler knew he had to help his best friend. For all the passionate negative feelings that brewed inside of him, Tyler was still so damn protective that he was able to push them aside for later.

* * *

 

Jenna was waiting for him, the last defense after he pushed past everyone in a desperate bid to be alone and deal with all these thoughts by himself. She caught him on his way to self destruction, knowing he shouldn't be left alone with the monster. Always gentle, she took him, still wearing the paint and sweat of the night. 

Swiftly by his side, she was a saint who guided him to a safe place to unleash what he'd been bottling up in the name of protecting Josh; though it wasn't clear if he was saving Josh from the world or from Tyler himself. It was Tyler who cried this time, and Jenna held him in the back of bus as it pulled away from the venue where so much had happened and changed.

“There’s just so much….happening.” Tyler gasped, waving at his chest and indicating the battle taking place in his heart.“I can’t...figure any of this out.”

“You’ve been through a massive shock, your best friend is suffering,” Jenna soothed, and pet his hair. “It’s understandable that you’re struggling to comprehend—”

“It’s not just that!” Tyler interjected, “I’m having so many emotions at once, and I can’t figure out why or where they’re coming from. It’s all happening so quickly, I can’t put names to them and I feel like I’m being pulled apart. I’m….so overwhelmed.”

Jenna made soft noises, hushing his hysteria. “Let’s pick three words,” she said once she got his breathing under control.

“Can’t think.”

“It’s okay. Do you want me to say some?” she suggested, and he grunted his agreement. “Shock?”

“Yeah.” 

“Scared? Ashamed?”

“Yes,” Tyler said to both.

“Sad? ...Happy?” Jenna asked the last one tentatively, and Tyler thought for a few moments.

“Um, I—no. Neither.”  Those two emotions weren’t there right now.

Jenna said nothing for awhile, thinking of what next to ask, finally;  “Anger?” She whispered and he shivered, not responding, “Ty? Are you angry?”

His tongue traced his teeth, feeling every groove and tasting metallic.

“Yes,” he realized, “I’m so angry.”

It had seeped in like oil through cloth, staining and coating every inch of him. Yes, he was stunned and terrified, but the anger was all-encompassing.

“Who are you angry at?”

“No.”

“No? You’re not angry?”

“No. Yes. I—I’m,” 

“Are you angry at the person who posted this?”

“Yes. I’m angry at everyone. I’m filled with—” he cut himself off, and felt another sob. “Jenna. I’m awful—I’m the worst. I am terrible.”

“Did you…did something…what are you feeling guilty about?” She faltered at what to say.

“I just keep thinking. Josh…how…” Tyler stopped again.

“Ty, are you mad at Josh?” Her voice was so gentle, but it brought to light what he’d been holding back from even himself.

The tidal wave overwhelmed him and he was hit by so many thoughts it would take days to process. He was silent again, and it took three repeats of her question for him to finally respond.

“Yeah. I’m angry at him too.” His lips released the betrayal, and he wanted to snatch the confession from the air.

It was her turn to fall silent; never in the years since she’d met Tyler had anything as awful as this happened to the band. Certainly, the two best friends had fought, but they resolved quickly and were easily forgiven. It was always just so easy between the two of them, and to have Tyler admit anger in this moment where Josh was most vulnerable and needed him the most; well, frankly it was petrifying.

“What are you angry about?” she asked, truly afraid of what Tyler was feeling. Jenna cared so much about Josh, and everything that was happening to him was breaking her heart. Josh was a good person, no matter who he slept with, though Jenna knew people would judge him based on that. She just prayed Tyler wasn’t one of them.  He was her husband after all, but if he was going to do something terrible, she had no idea if she could stand beside him.

“He knows we’re famous now—we’re supposed to be so careful. And here he is hooking up with these...these…” Tyler stumbled and changed direction. “I’m trying not to think ‘how could he do this to me’ but it’s like he... I don’t know...cheated on me or something.”

“Ty—”

“I know, I know that sounds...Fuck!” Tyler shouted suddenly and Jenna flinched back from him at the outburst. “Why do I feel this way?” he pleaded.

They were tiptoeing around sacrilege, neither asking or answering the question that hovered between them. The question that would change everything and could possibly ruin all they had.

“It’s okay to be mad at him,” she said, deciding they had gone far enough for one rollercoaster of a day.  The probing questions would have to wait as time unfolded. “But is he still your best friend?”

“Yes!” Tyler insisted, wondering how loud he’d have to yell to prove that there was nothing in the world that would stop him from passionately and wholeheartedly defending Josh Dun. He let Jenna direct his next moves, switching off his brain from all that was trying to consume him. There was still so much that hadn't been resolved, only barely scratching the surface before they gave up and headed to sleep. And still, he had a small spark of hope that they would all wake up tomorrow to find that yesterday, that day, had never happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing a Trees speech isn't easy so I watched about twenty videos to get the cadence, and I nearly started crying.


	3. the things I shouldn't see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “My one night stand has a Grammy.” 
> 
> It gets worse.

It would be cliched to say that, of course, with the rising sun and a new day, the reveal from the day proceeding did not go away. What was uncovered could not be locked away, and they all had to continue down this road. 

They couldn't hide Josh forever, and the time came to give him back his phone— under supervision. But before he could look through the Internet’s reaction, Josh had to make the phone call he'd clearly been dreading. 

His mother had called ceaselessly all night, demanding to speak with him. For someone so kind and mild mannered as she, Tyler was shocked to hear about how angry and distressed she was on the phone to their management. No matter who she spoke to, it wouldn't be enough to say Josh just wasn't ready yet— she was persistent in trying to reach her eldest son. 

The next morning, they— Tyler, Jenna, and several others of their closest crew members— gave him his privacy, but still hovered nearby enough to know he wasn't in any danger. The muffled sounds of the Dun family conference through the green room walls couldn't be stopped by the door or soft music Mark was playing. They could only hear the tone and sometimes hysteria in Josh’s voice, and Tyler prayed that his family was as supportive as they had been for everything else. 

“Jordan is flying out right now,” Josh said hollowly, when he walked into the rock where everyone had been waiting. He plopped down on the couch next to Tyler and sighed. His eyes were red and swollen, but they had been like that since the previous morning. Josh stared at his feet, hunched over with everyone else waiting with baited breath for him to say more. 

Tyler pressed his fidget spinner into his hand; it felt almost silly for him to do that, but it seemed to work. Mesmerized, Josh began to talk while he flicked the toy. 

“It actually went okay with them...my parents and stuff. I just feel so, uh, I don't know… Am I overreacting?”

“No!” Tyler said adamantly. 

“Of course not.” Jenna’s voice was gentle. 

“I feel kinda dumb, just like all the crying I'm doing. It's my own fault and all, but there's nothing I can really do to change what’s happened.” Josh wasn’t trying any tricks with the spinner, just seeing how fast he could make it go. 

“What happened to you really sucks, and if you need to be a mess for a bit, that's underst—” Mark began to say. 

“I don't want to be a mess anymore. I’m sick of falling apart! I feel so... useless, and if I keep being like this, I'm just going to dwell on it and get worse.” Josh punched his own thigh, the thump of his fist making everyone jump. Tyler moved to grab his hands, trying to keep Josh from escalating and hurting himself more, but Josh flopped backwards into the couch. “I don't want to be a burden.”

“You aren't. You'd never be a burden.” Tyler hovered close, trying to read Josh and see if it was okay to touch him. “We're in this together, man.”

Josh’s arms were like lead, his body heavy and overburdened. Tyler wanted to shoulder some of this weight with him, to ease the load and take away the pain. It was so frustrating that there just wasn't anything for him to  _ do _ besides defend, defend, defend. 

“You've got to do something different,” Mark stated, “We should do something fun to just... I dunno, distract?”

“How about laser tag?” Jenna suggested, and everyone in the room perked up significantly, especially Josh. 

“Yeah!” His face broke out into his signature toothy grin, like the clouds parting after weeks of rain. The atmosphere palpably switched, and Tyler felt relief as a different kind of sunshine warmed them all. 

“We have a day off tomorrow,” Tyler reminded, and Josh whipped out his phone. 

“What city will we be in?” Josh asked, excited to be looking up something  _ else _ for them to do. 

Management swept in, eager to to find something that will make the band happy. It was a tense time for them, with the scandal and worry about Josh's mental health. The team rose to the challenge to make it a fun day, and book the entire place, though Josh was proud to announce that  _ he _ was the one to find it after all. 

For the first time, they were able to put aside all the shock and revelations that had occurred over the past seventy-two hours, and instead focus on the thrill of the hunt. Tyler refused for the teams to be split up between the two band members. It just didn’t seem right to separate himself from Josh, to become the opposition, even though it was just a game. They were supposed to be united in these times, and that was why Tyler insisted the teams be set as them and their crew against the openers and their people. 

Tyler talked a good game, giving his all to rally the troops, ending with the speech from  _ Independence Day _ , figuring Josh would appreciate the aliens. However, all attempts at strategy were forgotten once they sprinted into the semi-darkness of the maze. 

There was a massive assault, and everyone ran in all different directions. If it wasn’t for the different colored lights upon their harnesses, Tyler wouldn’t even know who his team members were.

Josh was the easiest to find in the blacklight, the yellow hair drawing enemy fire as the drummer attempted to hunker down behind a low wall.

“Here!” Tyler shouted through the din of techno music and exuberantly shouting friends, “Take my beanie!” 

“Thanks, man! I’m getting killed out here!” Josh laughed, white teeth glowing almost as much as his hair and Tyler inexplicably felt something drawing him toward Josh, though if it was for a quick hug or... something else, he wasn’t sure.

There was a brief moment where everything faded away; the noise and chaos. It was only them, crouching so close, their knees knocked together, and Tyler wanted to reach out and touch the blue-purple-green-yellow of Josh’s face. There was something open and vulnerable with Josh in that moment, a different kind of unguarding than the collapse of his privacy and dignity. Josh’s lips were slightly parted, and his mouth moved to whisper “Tyler?”

But then Tyler’s harness flashed and vibrated to signal someone had shot him in the back. His gun was disabled, his attacker ran away cackling, and the two were forced to remember where they were. Tyler felt as if  he was doused in cold water, and he yanked himself away, bellowing the sniper’s name. Josh was by his side, ready to seek revenge on Tyler’s behalf. 

They were exhilarated, laughing and shooting at passersby. Everything was forgotten, and the events of the past few days were inconsequential. They were back to being best friends, uncomplicated by confusing feelings that either one of them could be hiding.

* * *

 

Things were alright for a time; Jordan kept Josh company as Tyler did interviews mostly alone. It was communicated to the journalists that they were not to mention anything about the photos, and everyone stayed respectful. The shows continued as normal with just a few more signs than usual supporting Josh, waved by people in the crowd. 

Tyler knew it wasn’t perfect yet. As brave of a face as Josh put on, and all the distraction he allowed everyone to attempt with him, he just wasn’t himself. Withdrawn, with fake smiles and forced laughter; Tyler knew that his best friend wasn’t there. This was a sadder, more broken person who marched alongside him to the stage. 

Tyler felt like he was clutching at the pieces of a shattered vase, the porcelain beautiful but slicing his skin as the fragments fell to the floor and continued to break apart until Josh was nothing but dust. There was nothing for him to do, and Tyler found himself just as injured as the fractured vase, each blow severing flesh to expose muscle and bone.

Tyler felt like a passenger to his actions. He'd act on reflex, lashing out before processing the consequences. He felt constantly like a snake coiled for attack, and people noticed. 

The interviewers got the brunt of his jabs, since Tyler interpreted every question to be a thinly veiled insult at Josh. Any mention of his name set Tyler on edge. He would not even wait to determine if the seemingly innocuous “how is Josh doing?” was laced with condescension. Tyler would pounce. 

“None of your business,” or “How do you  _ think _ he's doing?” or “Better than me, ‘cause he's not stuck here.”

It certainly didn't set a good tone for the rest of the interview, and Tyler was quickly getting a reputation for being unfriendly and rude. 

“Baby, this isn't you,” Jenna said as they walked through the venue after another awkward interview, where the reporter had tried to gloss over Tyler’s rudeness as if he were joking. Tyler could feel Jenna’s discomfort from across the room as they attempted a stilted conversation about future album plans. 

There had already been grumbling from the label about ‘getting Tyler under control’ as if Josh’s scandal wasn't enough for everyone to handle. Jenna was, of course, the mediator. 

“I can't control it!” Tyler protested, “I'm just so tense doing this all alone. I need Josh, but…”

“Have you even asked him?” Mark chimed in, taking both of them by surprise since they hadn't noticed him approaching them. 

Tyler had to take several deep breaths through his nose. He was wound up, but he was able to hold himself back from yelling at those he loved, for now at least though he wasn't sure how long that would last. By the way things kept happening, it didn't seem good for any of them. 

For a moment, Tyler wished they were on hiatus and could hide away from all these problems. But it went quickly as it came, because being stuck at home with his own head and no show to distract him would be torturous. 

“I...hadn't asked,” Tyler said slowly with Mark and Jenna trepidatiously waiting, “Just figured that he's got a lot on his mind and he'd rather stay out of the spotlight until things...blow over.”

“Maybe you should talk about it with him. Just saying, he may want to act like normal. Could be what he needs.” Mark shrugged as if it wasn't blatant that he discussed this with Josh already. 

It made Tyler's fingers clench into fists, though he knew he should've been grateful for the heads up. He was suddenly furious that Mark and Josh were having these conversations without him. Why hadn't Josh come to him directly? Now that Tyler’s attention had been brought to it, Josh hadn't really talked to him about his feelings since the day after the leak. 

Jenna wisely suggested that they head to catering. Tyler wasn't dumb— he knew it was for his obvious anger, but he let himself be steered away. Though Tyler could see his overall attitude was headed downhill, he patted himself on the back for not blowing up at them at least. 

Josh was his sore spot, his exposed nerve. Any mention of him bathed Tyler in anger and jealousy, which made him strangely protective. He always had been loyal to his friends and family, had always been a little possessive of Josh, even if it was in humor. Josh was  _ his _ , to some extent, Tyler rationalized, if their tattoos had any real significance. It was real, at least to him, and Tyler concluded these reactions were the byproduct of something beyond rational thought. 

With some food in his stomach and the cloudiness of confusing thoughts cleared slightly, Tyler did approach Josh. 

“Hey dude.” Tyler had wandered into Josh’s dressing space— this show didn't have separate rooms for them, just an expansive locker room that was a maze of corridors. Tyler had gotten lost til he heard the incessant tapping of Josh’s sticks on the practice pad. Usually he let Josh warm up in silence, but he needed to get this off his chest before he could walk out on stage that night. 

Josh grinned and stopped. “Yo. What’s up? 

“Just checkin’ in with you, see how… your finger is doing.” Tyler couldn't— didn't have time to have a full conversation about feelings, he reasoned, and filed that away to do another time. 

Josh looked down at his right index finger that had gotten sliced by a chipped bottle of Pellegrino earlier that day. It was bandaged up, and Josh wiggled it near Tyler's face. 

“Hurts a bit, but I'll make it through tonight. Don't worry, even if it starts bleeding everywhere, I'll power through for you,” Josh replied with mock drama. 

“We could totally use your blood instead of the water for Trees— ew, never mind. That's disgusting.”

“Gross, dude.”

“Sorry, I um…” Tyler teetered on the edge of the deep feelings conversation he was trying to delay, “my head has been weirdly, uh, violent lately.”

“Mhm,” Josh looked down at the sticks he was rolling in his hands, “makes sense. Um, I noticed you’ve been really...kinda. On edge?” Josh asked quietly. 

“Yeah… I think most of us have been.”

“I'm sorr—” Josh began. 

“Don't apologize, please,” Tyler cut him off. “I need to work on it. And actually… I wanted to see if you felt, um, ready to do some interviews with me? I'm not funny without you and it's weird not having you there.” 

“Yeah...okay,” Josh replied, both of them aware that Mark coordinated this, though neither wanted to admit it. “It's been weird for me too. Hanging out with Jordan a lot, and it doesn't feel like I'm doing  _ band _ stuff, you know? As much of a toss up as interviews can be, it's part of the whole rock star thing, I guess.”

“Yeah, can't get the giraffes without sitting through some weird Never Have I Evers or be forced to eat strange food,” Tyler smirked. 

“Hey! Some of it has been tasty, but that Swedish licorice was fricking nasty,” Josh laughed. “Not doing interviews made me really think. Like, is this what it's like to be in one of those bands where no one knows anyone besides the lead singer? Is this what it's like to be the drummer of Maroon 5 or something?”

“Aw man,” Tyler opened his arms for a hug that Josh accepted, “now you definitely have to come back and suffer through the millionth time of hearing jokes about our band name. It's not fair I do all the cringing and you can just hang out here eating M&Ms.”

Josh threw back his head and laughed harder, “Fine...fine. Just ‘cause I like you or something.”

They were still embracing, Josh patting Tyler on the back. The ease at which Tyler could hook his chin over Josh’s shoulder made the tight ball of disgust that had formed after the leak, ease. He always needed this intimacy with Josh. It was reassuring for Tyler to know that Josh accepted his attention, felt that Tyler was worthy of his friendship. Josh had to feel the bond if they still could touch like this, he wasn't just saying this to  appease Tyler. 

“Nah, I just need a really hot drummer to sit next to me and make me look hot too. By association and stuff.” Tyler said that as a joke, but his voice was low in Josh’s ear. 

Tyler found himself with that exhilarated feeling just like at the laser tag. It hadn't been this relaxed between him and Josh since then. His heart was starting to pick up the tempo, just like at the bottom of a rollercoaster. 

“Guys, it's showtime,” came the announcement, and with a jolt they rushed back to their preparations  

Tyler felt really ready to take to the stage with a lighter Josh by his side, and later to interviews where he didn't tear into the reporter or do something to warrant everyone's collective eyeroll and comments about his attitude. Josh was getting better and returning to his rightful place as Tyler’s calming, positive influence.

* * *

 

“Fuck!” Josh screamed.

Tyler's sense that there were still more bad things to come proved to be somewhat prophetic. As if they both hadn’t already been through enough, what little they built up was broken down by yet another leak. A different hookup had mockingly provided video of Josh; inebriated and intimate. 

Tyler felt like they were interminably in dressing rooms, just waiting around for the show or for the other shoe to drop. The emergence of the video was less a sneaker than an anvil. Everything went from zero to a hundred in the blink of an eye. One moment, they, the usual suspects, were sitting on couches and chairs just scrolling silently through their phones, as time was typically spent. 

Everyone  jumped with a hot shock of adrenaline as Josh let out another unearthly yell of “fuck!” Before he could be stopped, he pelted his phone at the mirrored wall. The crash was a magnificent death to Josh’s phone, and he flung his body at the catering table.

The video originated from the depths of Reddit, with only the briefest description.  _ “My one night stand has a Grammy _ . _ ” _ They wouldn't ever find this guy with such little information, especially since Josh neither wanted to sue any of his betrayers, nor could he even recall that particular encounter.

Josh  had never been prone to violence, and Josh’s first instinct was not to punch or fight. Tyler had known him for enough years to realize that Josh had the potential to cause damage, but he’d never even think to break something. So this unexpected outburst made everyone freeze in shock, and then scramble in every direction.

Tyler’s body reacted before his brain did, and he knew he needed to get Jenna out of harm’s way by shoving her behind a couch. Tyler knew that Josh’s rage was self-directed and focused on destroying the catering table, that he would never attack them, and Jenna would be the last person in the room he’d hurt, but reason was overridden by the primal recognition of an animal going rabid. Tyler had to protect her first, before going to stop the tornado.

Brad and Synder were trying to restrain Josh against the wall, shattered mirror glittering around them on the floor. They struggled regardless of the fact that both were larger than Josh. More people were rushing into the room, and Tyler pushed himself into the middle of the fray, ignoring the crunch under his shoes.

“Josh, c’mon man,” Tyler said, moving as close to the red-faced drummer as he could, forcing eye contact. “Hey, hey, Josh. Let’s calm down—Josh, no!” Tyler’s forced calm turned into a yell as Josh started to bash his head into the wall behind him.

He was intent on causing damage to himself, and Tyler didn’t even want to think about how terrible this  _ was _ , whatever  _ it  _ was that caused him to go bezerk. Tyler clapped hands to Josh’s head, gripping at his dye-killed hair and holding him in place. His fingers got caught once as Josh’s skull tried to make one last collision with the wall, but his yelp of pain startled Josh into stopping.

“We're calming down now,” Tyler said firmly, his thumbs stroking the sides of Josh’s head, brushing towards his temples. Josh’s breaths were ragged and fast, clearly hyperventilating as his chest pushed in and out against Tyler. “You’re safe. I’m here. Breathe with me?”

Josh followed Tyler as he always did; eye contact making the rest of the world fall away as his breath slowed and matched the rhythm of Tyler’s inhales and exhales. It was bittersweet for Tyler to acknowledge how he easily knew the techniques to calm Josh, and that those skills were getting extra practice lately.

There were so many people in the room now, white noise as people argued about the destroyed dressing room in hushed voices. Tyler felt it was too bright, too sharp in this room for Josh. 

“Josh, do you want to go somewhere else?” Tyler asked, giving Synder and Brad a look that said they should let go—everyone was safe now.

Josh walked quietly among the small group; Mark, Jenna, and Jordan also falling into step in this makeshift protective circle. There was always another green room to go to and there would be people to clean up their mess, which this also was the first time a dressing room had been destroyed by either of them. 

They all sat down in a circle, resuming their prior positions, but no phones were drawn. No Candy Crush to be played, or newsfeeds to scroll through; Josh seemed ready with an announcement. Everyone steeled themselves for the next shocking blow.

“I’m done,” Josh began and Tyler’s breath caught in his throat, expecting the worst until Josh clarified, “I’m done with falling apart and hiding and just...letting this crap hurt me so much.”

Jordan reached for his brother’s hand and held tight, Tyler took possession of Josh’s shoulders and braced them for the next drop.

“What I’ve done, I need to take responsibility. I’ve made mistakes—and no, don’t say it’s not my fault. I did screw up, and while it’s not fair that this...stuff leaked, I have to move on. There isn’t anything more they can use to hurt me… I don’t have any more secrets or... or….” Josh faltered and his knuckles whitened as he gripped Jordan’s hand.

Josh’s breaths were shaky and Tyler felt the fibrillation through the bones and muscle. His thumb rubbed where the galaxy swirled and Josh fought words he needed to tell.

“There’s something new… a video. Of me, and… I’m... I’m drunk.  That’s my explanation. I don’t really remember it happening, and I definitely don’t remember a camera but… That’s it. There’s nothing left—nothing worse. It won’t be long before the rest of the world knows, but it’s important for you all to know it’s coming.”

Tyler didn’t realize his thumb had stopped its task, already sickeningly curious as to the contents of the video. The coup de gr â ce to Josh’s dignity— rock bottom. They had reached the bottommost point, and hopefully they could only rise back up.

Josh had a fire in his eyes, color rising to his cheekbones, and he stopped shaking.

“I’m done with letting them take everything. I just want to play my drums and do this tour and put on a good show. I just want to be myself again, and I’m not gonna care anymore.  This is it. I’m over it.”

The group burst into excited murmurs, buoyed off of the energy Josh was emitting. 

“Awesome!” Tyler found himself saying. “Hey man, this is how it should be. Screw all those people, all those haters. We’re gonna keep going no matter what.”

Josh smiled at him, and it was like nothing had ever happened. Everything was okay, everything was back to the time before he realized that Josh had held huge secrets about who he was and who he loved.; when they were riding this high of success and achieving their dreams. That time had no hints of a  fall to come, and not a passing thought to suggest that it would be Josh’s fault.

It wasn’t Josh’s fault, it wasn’t Josh’s fault— Tyler had to remind himself of that at each moment. Had to beat back those thoughts that invaded and reminded him who was responsible for the tension and stress in Tyler’s life right now. 

Josh didn’t betray him; Tyler couldn’t understand the feeling. He  _ wouldn’t _ think about how his darkest desires demanded that he had to find that video to see the last vestiges of Josh’s self respect. There was a show to play, and he had to do it for Josh.

Tyler pricked his hand as he removed his shoes that were riddled with shards of mirror. He watched the blood well and drop from his index finger, the only tear— red and thick..

He admired Josh’s grit, and how quickly he snapped back to himself, or at least who he had appeared to be before the first photos were leaked. Josh already had a new phone ordered and on its way to the next venue, and used Brad’s phone to post a few videos preshow videos to Snapchat. 

Josh had made firm, reassuring statements to the fans through carefully worded tweets. Tyler hoped Josh would give him inspiration for what to say, because he too was ready to speak his mind.

The cut on his finger was in a good place to irritate and burn whenever he strummed the ukulele, or on certain piano chords. It was a nagging pain, just like the compulsion to look up the video, to find those photos again, to see how Josh gave himself so easily to other people. 

Tyler didn’t get it, didn’t understand those feelings as he snapped at Jenna that he was tired and wanted to sleep after the show. Instead of sleep though, he shut the bunk curtain and hid beneath his blanket with his phone cradled and headphones triple checked so that no one could hear what he was going to watch.

Josh had been right in saying that the video would spread like wildfire in a dehydrated forest. The Internet was thirsty for more of his blood, and it didn’t take long for Tyler to locate a link to the foreboding video. He was routed to a sketchy website, and Tyler could count that finding his friend on a porn site was likely the last thing he’d expect just a few weeks ago.

It wasn’t a long video, only two minutes and thirty-seven seconds, but it told enough of a story that had Tyler’s mind spinning to fill the missing details.

The setting must have been a nightclub’s bathroom— the thumping bass in the background was the key. It was definitely shot by a cell phone camera, and the face of the photographer was never revealed. Josh was against the tiled wall in the accessible stall; hands gripping the safety bar, pants on the floor and legs spread. His back was to the camera, but face turned to the side— red, sweaty from whatever people do in nightclub crowds, Tyler wouldn't know any better, but that the dirty tiles must be cooling to his skin that tingled from the alcohol. 

Tyler had seen Josh drunk before in real life and photos. Josh was just kind of silly, prone to ridiculous dancing, and enthusiastic, wide-eyed conversation. There were videos recorded by friends at parties and various other get-togethers that would make their way back to Tyler as “you won't believe what your bro did last night. He's a wild man.” Tyler didn't like being around drunk people, and Josh kept it from him for the most part, but it was sometimes worth a laugh to see Josh with the inhibitions lowered and anxiety stripped away.

His stomach crawled as the camera panned down from Josh’s face and shoulders— tattoos just another signature upon the video. Josh’s innocently freckled shoulders to his muscular back and down, down lower to his ass and the hand working deftly between the cheeks. 

“Taking this so good,” the man filming said, and Tyler could see his tattooed wrist twist, with an answering moan from Josh. “You like that?”

Josh begged and stuck his ass out more, another finger entered him, and the video ended with images burnt into Tyler’s brain so sharply, he knew he'd watch again and again. 

“Dammit Josh,” Tyler whispered, in awe and anger. He watched until his phone alerted him to the decreasing power; a wake up call that he had become hypnotized by the video. In the white noise of the bus rumbling along the highway he wished he could go back in time to stop this straying. 

Josh’s sexual habits were just so dangerous— barring the risk of being exposed, there was all sorts of actual physical harm that could have happened. It triggered a headache to think about all the possibilities, and he was almost grateful he found out like this, rather than Josh getting hospitalized or worse, from a one night stand hurting. The emotional pain wasn’t much better, and Tyler was struck by the wish that Josh had asked him to _do things_ to stave this sexual hunger.

That train of thought worsened his headache, but he also felt an ember catch fire in his belly just picturing how it all would’ve went down. Josh, embarrassed and blushing to say how much he  _ needed someone _ —  _ anyone _ — Tyler. It would’ve all been new to him, but if Josh’s health and happiness were at stake, Tyler would have figured out what to do. 

These little what-ifs toed a dangerous line Tyler had spent his life avoiding and especially so ever since he met Josh. It was a wall he didn’t even look at, but sometimes touched when he spent days or nights pressed against Josh on couches that had more space than they used. It was the source of a river of those good feelings— exhilaration, pleasure— that he’d accidentally waded into, even recently.

His so-called noble ‘alternative history’ slipped into his dreams, and were furthermore complicated and became disturbing as the met the perfectly memorized video. Too much skin and bathrooms and flashes of cameras bringing forth his own guilt and breaking of vows. Tyler woke in panic, arousal, disgust; sweating and gasping— the perspiration mixing with the tears, soaking him in his shame. 

Jenna was already there, shushing and soothing, but knowing better than to climb in beside him. The tightness of the bunk and crowding would have worsened his fear, tightened his chest and breathing. Though her heart ached to hold him, she knew to wait it out, and that he'd fall back asleep without really waking. She would spend the rest of the night tossing and turning as she fought against her own brain— the part that yelled at her to acknowledge the type of noises he moaned before the dreams turned sour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry josh dun


	4. it's not my place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> truth between waves, even more against walls

Tyler became a different person in the morning. Where Josh had decided to move on and was a shining example of zen as aided by a day spent with Jesse and Ashley, Tyler retreated into a little bubble of negativity. Josh’s sudden nonchalance just fueled Tyler’s rage as he felt like he needed to overcompensate for lack of defense. Everyone seemed to forget this too easily, but Tyler wanted blood and revenge.

Rationally he knew he was overreacting, but the other rational side was that the people around them weren’t reacting enough. Maybe he was just overly loyal, and that was the reason for all this jealousy that went far beyond his violent feelings towards the men who’d treated Josh wrong, extending to the people who Josh let comfort him. Tyler knew they weren’t caught up in this mess, that their pity extended to the short time they could express their condolences— friends of Josh that he suddenly realized he’d never liked. He felt a weird sense of superiority at the fact that none of  _ them _ were being awoken in the middle of the night with dreams where they watched Josh’s persecutors be tortured, feeling the blood drip down their hands.  

The homicidal feelings were old habits, but the focus was new. Tyler hoped the tour and the scandal weren’t going to drive him off the cliff of sanity.

His  _ Trees  _ speeches were losing coherency, with several waxing poetic about Josh for longer than the budgeted time. He could feel the crowd grow restless and uncomfortable, but once his mouth opened, the words tumbled out and clunked onto the floor like lead on cement. He couldn’t remember what he said, though everyone seemed to be confused. It wasn’t till he checked YouTube that Tyler realized he’d given the same speech for three shows in a row, and it was all just rambling about Josh’s best qualities.

Jenna was the only one left not afraid of Tyler’s wicked mood. So many people had stopped talking to Tyler, and lately he’d been retreated to the sanctuary of the back lounge where he wrote songs he knew no one would enjoy listening to. He’d been solitary, not even bothering to show Josh, because this was all just noise and chaos. Tyler was ashamed of how much his composure and sense had deteriorated. 

“You need to stop,” Jenna said with fire in her eyes, and hands on her hips as soon has he came off stage after giving the speech for the fourth time. He couldn’t think of anything else to say at that crucial point in the show.

“Stop what?” Tyler didn’t mean to sass her back, he honestly needed the direction because there was so much in shambles that he needed a swift kick to the rear to pull it together.

Jenna was frustrated too, and she waved her arms wildly. “All of this! The speeches, the interviews, the fact that you’ve been  _ on Twitter at 4am  _ messaging Josh’s haters. You’re overdoing it, and you’re making Josh uncomfortable.”

“I am?” Tyler didn’t deny his actions, and he was genuinely unaware how this would affect the drummer. They were such good friends that he would know right away if he was crossing the line— Josh would tell him, or Tyler would just... know.

Once again he had to seek out Josh, realizing and making note how much time they’d spent apart this tour. This tour was such a departure from their norm, and Tyler was ready for it to end, though he had no idea how much longer they’d be stuck in this city-to-city loop.

* * *

 

“Josh, am I doing anything that’s making you uncomfortable?” Tyler attempted to put on his friendliest, most inquisitive voice, though it felt like he was speaking through a mask of civility.

“Uncomfortable?” Josh said, antsy at Tyler’s sudden appearance on his bus, “No, uh, I don’t think so? I mean you’re doing, like, a great job of standing up for me, but maybe...um. Never mind. It’s okay. I’m okay with it.”

Tyler knew that Josh was holding back for the sake of Tyler’s feelings, and it hurt to know Josh didn’t feel safe enough to be honest with him. Tyler had driven so much of a wedge between himself and everyone else, especially Josh, who usually was one of the few people who normally could call Tyler out on some of his most egregious behaviors. Josh, who was the person at the root of all this, and the one person besides his wife who Tyler would forgive in a heartbeat.

Tyler just wanted the tour to be over so that he could retreat to the silence of the trees in his backyard. Their tour manager confiscated Tyler’s Twitter account until then, and it felt refreshing to not have the app on his phone. It had just been a constant temptation to see what was being said about them, and the trolls enjoyed circling their cornered victim, each fueling the other. It also kept him from looking at the pictures or video again and again, something he’d never admit to anyone that he’d been doing.

Tyler felt a little free. He stopped talking about Josh in the  _ Trees  _ speech, relying on the usual request to come back to this city and promises of new music to come. Tyler started feeling some hope that maybe his new concepts would be something special and cohesive, and not the ramblings of a man crazed with anger and jealousy. He could breathe again, and talk to people without wanting to shake them. 

It was over month since Josh’s nudes leaked when Tyler finally got a full night’s sleep without being awakened by panic or pleasure at having severed the arteries of nameless Internet users. He hadn’t done anything differently just laid his head upon the pillow and then opened his eyes again over ten hours later with a sense of peace covering him. It was a safer, stronger blanket than the downy hotel comforter wrapped around his torso and tangled between his splayed legs. 

Tyler lay there bathing in the simple joy, not even noticing that he was alone. It was late in the day and Jenna clearly hadn't waited for Tyler to leave his semi-comatose state. For now, it was fine with him— less chance to do something to hurt his loved ones more. 

Tyler drifted off again briefly but was resuscitated by two bodies landing painfully on him— the thick duvet didn't cushion the blow. 

“Enough sleeping!” Mark shouted from down by Tyler's knees, “We’re taking you to the beach!” 

Tyler had a face full of Josh’s hair, the rest of the drummer’s body crushing Tyler’s torso into the bed. He hadn't been this close to Josh in forever and he wanted to press his lips into the now purple mess. It felt like the good old times of sharing hotel rooms and insisting on bro-cuddles during scary movies on the basic cable. 

The stream of good sensations became a rushing river, but Tyler felt safe enough to bathe in it.

“Heck yeah, let's go to the beach!” Tyler felt true enthusiasm, and it brought relief to Mark and Josh’s faces. 

Jenna already had their stuff packed up, it was just a matter of hopping into his orange swim trunks and then they were off. Tyler needed the sun— he’d felt trapped in dressing rooms and his own head. Tyler craved the ocean crashing against his skin and the salt spray on his lips. All vibrant colors had been leached from the world and even he felt monochromatic and bland. His peaceful sleep was rejuvenating, the beach would be a reconciliation with what he’d done.

They all needed this day off with cell phones left far behind in the hotel room. No one had felt this carefree for a long time, even before the scandal; touring the world had drained them all. The constant grind had become the routine that steered them from place to place and ferried them to each stage. It took distraction away since the brain didn’t have to think about each next move, and Tyler realized maybe that’s why he’d been losing his reason.

Tyler remembered days recording  _ Vessel _ not far from the beach. They had bought a couple of boogie boards and would run to the water just because they could—it wasn’t anything they could do back home. He remembered Josh in the sunlight, the two of them stretched out silently in the sand with air free of bus exhaust and rest stops. Tyler thought about how much had changed since then, and how he had expected the two of them to at least be the constants in each others lives. They were supposed to know each other inside-out, an oasis in a life that was full of people with hidden agendas.

But in the water, letting the waves move him and Josh as they should, Tyler set aside the anger and let Josh explain. There was no one else swimming by - the rest of their group was by the towels eating sandwiches, which may have been a pretense to let the two bandmates talk it out. Tyler didn’t know either way if it were on purpose, but they needed this badly.

“So… When did this all begin? When did you figure out you were, uh…” Tyler suddenly realized he never asked. He'd let all this time pass since the leak and had never discussed it with Josh.  _ What had he been thinking? _ he questioned himself. Had he just thought it was best to not address it, or wait for Josh to indicate that it was okay to question?

“I'm bisexual,” Josh said simply. 

“Oh, okay. That's cool. I guess it makes sense. When did you realize?” They bobbed in the water, side-by-side and looking out at the endless ocean. 

“Just about two years ago,” Josh replied, his knees appearing above the surface as he stretched to float on the surface. Tyler copied the move— the waves weren't so large, it was easy to rest and tread water here. 

“How did you, like, figure it out?” 

“I dunno, I never thought about it, all my life I’ve just accepted that, like, ‘oh yeah, I'm attracted to girls.’ I guess living out in LA has kind of exposed me to lots of different people.”

Tyler figured it had gone like that. He had this view of LA, or at least LA at night, where the rules disappeared and conventions fell. Good Midwest boy in the city of lecherous angels— Josh was high risk to be led astray because he was too trusting and friendly. Tyler always felt sickening fear when photos of Josh at nightclubs popped up online.  

“I was at this party, ‘cept it wasn't really a party— No, not like that, dude don't make that face— It wasn’t an orgy!” Josh laughed and rolled his eyes at Tyler.

Josh continued, “I was hanging out with friends of friends and this one person was talking about realizing they were gay or something. They were saying people just assume things about themselves and have we ever thought about the fact we may not be straight and not even have noticed?”

Tyler made a noise of understanding, but he didn't really comprehend. He’d spent so much time thinking, how could someone—  anyone—   _ him _ — not have noticed that crucial detail from years of introspection?

“They told us to really, really think about it, like not half ass it… And I did. I thought about it for a week and I realized,” Josh subconsciously dipped his face under the water under the pretense of cooling off from the sun beating down on him, “I realized that I had just, yeah, did exactly what that person at the party said. I am attracted to girls, and I had taken for granted that fact, as if that that made me straight.”

Josh was still watching the horizon, but Tyler could care less if a tidal wave overtook them. His attention was fully on Josh. 

“All my life, I'd had these intense… feelings. And— well, we were raised similarly. You know how it is being told, well… I had been calling these feelings something else and ignoring thoughts till that person made me confront them.”

“What kind of thoughts?” Tyler felt like they were treading in water thick with mines. The wrong move could have everything exploding in their faces. It'd be destruction worse than all their other epiphanies. 

“Just like,” Josh bobbed below the surface again, this time playing for time to navigate in the right direction, “urges and dreams that I'd  rather die than tell anyone about.”

“Even me?” Tyler tried to sound playful, but the torpedo had been launched. 

“Especially you.” the blast was small, and the damage was just a crack that would grow along the hull. “I trust you, man, but I’ve been scared of— I haven’t told anyone. I kept it secret this whole time.”

“Must’ve been, uh, tough.” Tyler tried to ignore the stinging.

“Lonely,” Josh mused. “I think that’s why I— you know— went on Grindr and stuff. I was pretending to be someone else, but really, like, being myself. I was able to flirt with guys and... shit, you don’t want to hear this.”

Tyler didn’t answer, wondering if this new information had changed Josh in his eyes, made him a different person, or if it was the uncovering of a different facet.

“This was the most embarrassing thing that could have happened to me. I could’ve gone the rest of my life without coming out. I guess I would’ve come out eventually to my friends and family, but I didn’t plan on it for awhile,” Josh sighed. “I’m sorry it had to be this way. I’m sorry this is how everyone found out. I was stupid, but… I just felt so lonely.”

“If I wasn’t afraid of us drowning, I’d give you a big hug right now,” Tyler said.

“Thanks. Everyone has been really supportive, and Jesse has been helping me, like, try stuff out. We’ve been doing some small stuff that I’ve been afraid to do, like the nail polish,” Josh waved his hand around, painted with white. They were without chips for now, but Josh’s anxious fidgeting would be directed towards picking it off. 

“We’ve gone to gay bars so I could, um, get used to flirting with guys but without the, uh, goal of a one night stand. Also, Jesse’s been having me, uh, practice coming out to people. I say the words ‘I’m bisexual’ in the mirror every day. I’ve officially come out to my family, the Vesperteen guys, Mark, Michael, a couple of cats, and now you, I guess.”

“So you’ve done a lot of thinking about this and… you’re sure, right?” Tyler couldn’t help himself, and Josh gave another sigh that was more a groan.

“Tyler, I think there’s enough photographic evidence that shows I like men.”

They both couldn’t help but laugh, as the people on the beach waved for them to swim back to get lunch. Their fingers pruned, they took the sandwiches offered to them and sat apart from the others; Tyler looked over at Jenna, checking to see if she minded, but she was too engrossed in conversation with Mark to notice him.

“I feel like we haven’t talked like this in awhile,” Josh remarked casually, but Tyler flinched. 

He felt a rush of guilt— other people had been there for him, and not Tyler. All this progress Josh made with Jesse, and yet Tyler wasn’t top of the list for Josh to come out to. He’d been so consumed with himself that Josh had recovered without him. It was like showing up at the hospital to support a friend, to find they were home and their cast had been taken off already.

“Yeah... I’ve been fighting a lot with my mind and stuff, and I haven’t…” Tyler trailed off, and Josh shrugged. The apology was missing, but hung in the air. The wind between them blew cold, and Tyler tried to think of a way to beg forgiveness, “I’ve kinda lost my common sense on this tour. I don’t get why that happened, but I’m trying to pull myself together... or at least get my head out of my ass.”

Josh chuckled. “Trust me, the world smells a lot sweeter when you do.”

Their conversation turned elsewhere and everything did indeed seem better. That they’d breached the hill and now it was just smooth gliding down the other side. They had built enough momentum to end the tour strong and united, and what awaited them after the break was only new horizons. Tyler was sure they’d make a new album; he needed the days of deep thought and a piano to work through all his tumultuous thoughts.

* * *

 

Things had almost returned to normal, besides the still-present sense of ‘let’s not talk about what happened.’ The shows were as good as they ever had been, and Josh even hopped into the hamster ball for the next-to-last show. They had slowly come back to their usual tour routine of spending time together in the downtime and late nights, though Tyler was glad that this was going to be the last show of the tour.

Tyler knew they were going to be okay, and that the recent discoveries about Josh were all part of their journey as bandmates and friends. And now they were on the other end of this journey, Tyler was sure of that. There was nothing worse to uncover; it had already been the hardest time they’d ever gone through together. And they ended it with small fractures that would grow into even stronger bones. Tyler felt no difference in his loyalty— he'd steal the moon for Josh, or cross a desert. 

Even after their discussion among the waves, Tyler couldn't help his stubborn allegiance or quick trigger response to any jab at Josh. He was unable to deny his instinctual reaction. 

All interviews were starting to blend in with one another. Tyler thought he was good at predicting how the interview would go, able to discern someone who would pry or cross boundaries. He didn't think a mild-mannered radio host, who seemed friendly upon first meeting, would be the one to hop over that line they'd drawn. 

Maybe she had not asked the question to be cruel; it was just the type of important issue a journalist should ask about, after all. They all should've known better— at some point, it would have to be addressed as it already had become part of their band’s history, a subsection on their Wikipedia page. 

“Your band has had so much success,” she said, “But there have been some… tough times recently for you guys.  Josh— would you be comfortable talking about your photos getting leaked? What it’s been like dealing with that?”

Josh had opened his mouth to say something, but Tyler hit the rampage button before Josh’s response could come.

“Seriously? Fuck you,” Tyler began, “that's the one goddamn thing you are not allowed to talk about and you fucking ask it?! You're shitty at your job; what the hell is wrong with you?”

Tyler was absolutely ballistic with rage; all he saw was red, and the blood rushed in his head so loud that he couldn't hear anyone else. He'd sat through many other terrible interviews with offensive hosts, and he'd fantasized about cursing them out, but this time he'd actually followed through without thinking. Tyler hadn’t cursed in public, well, ever, but this time he had lost all sense and stormed out of the room. 

He was only vaguely aware of the voices calling after him, the shock and hurt on the interviewer’s face, and hands on him— though he wasn't sure if they were pushing him from the room or pulling him elsewhere. Tyler was livid and electric, and he was moving so fast to  _ get out _ , to get into the fresh air. He was in the right, his rage-filled brain told him. There was nothing to regret, because he was doing the right thing and defending his best friend. 

He was protecting Josh, and Tyler was indignantly proud of himself - until he was body slammed into the brick wall of the corridor. He'd been lost in the maze of hallways that made up this venue— the last show of the tour. 

All the wind was knocked out of him, and the impact stunned him momentarily. His inability to notice the people around him, a fog that had descended with the quick onset of anger, dissipated. Tyler was finally able to comprehend where he was and who was holding him to the wall. 

Josh's face loomed in front of him, and Tyler was overcome by the tiny marks of life and age marring Josh's skin, the downward direction of his eyelashes, and the soft curve that made up the tip of his nose— sum parts and details he never could appreciate except when Josh was this close to him, though his face was not relaxed as it usually was when they had their ‘bro-cuddles’ and allowed themselves to cross personal space boundaries. 

Tyler didn't need to be in such proximity to know that Josh was livid— more angry than he ever had been at Tyler before. 

“What the hell, Tyler?” Josh shouted. “What the hell was that?”

“She— She shouldn't have brought that up! She dared to—,” Tyler was shaking, his thoughts going a mile a minute. 

“Dude! You cursed someone out! What the hell is going on with you; you never say the f-word.”

Tyler scoffed, “Oh, so  _ now _ you care about our family-friendly, squeaky clean image?”

Josh reacted like he'd been punched.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He said, though it was obvious he knew exactly where Tyler was headed. 

Tyler couldn’t respond, Josh’s reaction simultaneously making him halt in his tracks— so close to saying something terrible— as well as angry again. 

“I did it for you!”

“You don't need to do that! I'm okay. I can handle myself. I'm not fragile. Don't look at me like that dammit, Tyler!” Josh shouted in response to Tyler's ironic laugh. “You're the one who's making this so...fricking... hard.”

Josh released Tyler’s shirt and took a step backwards, running fingers through his hair. 

“I'm the one making this difficult?!” Tyler shouted back indignantly, “I've been nothing but supportive this whole time. Defended you from day one!”

“Oh yeah you've been so supportive.” Josh's voice was full of sarcastic venom Tyler hadn't heard before, and it stunned Tyler almost as much as the pictures and videos.

Tyler knew he’d been a crappy friend, but he had tried and been supportive, or so he thought. Rather than taking pause at the blow of Josh’s anger, the shocked turned back into anger. Tyler couldn’t think about what Josh was saying, too full of rage to realize they were definitely balanced upon the precipice. His fists were clench and knuckles tapped the wall.

Josh lost the volume, but his voice was thick with resentment and hurt.

“I've needed you to be there for me, not just when I'm destroying a green room or having a panic attack. Tyler, I've needed you this whole time as I've figured shit out about myself, but then you say— you say you're ‘pulling yourself together.’ I'm damn lucky there's other people in my life who apparently care more about me than you, because the person who I wanted to be there the most abandoned me.” 

Tyler felt the world shatter at his feet, at a loss for words. Josh chewed the inside of his cheek and spat out, “You've been making this about yourself the whole time!”

Tyler could only return the most childish of rebuttals. “No I’m not!” He tried to outright lie, throwing up his hands in frustration. “This isn’t about me—” 

“Yes it fucking is about you!” Josh cut him off, yelling, and surged forward.

Tyler thought Josh was going to hurt him, punch him the face, throttle him— the first act of deliberate violence against him and there would be no return. It would have happened and it could be irreconcilable; the end of their friendship and the band. Tyler would be in the right because he wasn't the one to throw the first blow, though he'd been hurting Josh all along. Tyler hadn't understood the pain he'd been causing for years, and it finally was boiling over into something that changed everything forever. 

He had flinched and prepared for the sharp hit, ready for Josh’s powerful fist to break his skin and bruise his face. The touch that came was forceful, but with a nervous, lost-in-the-moment energy that gave Josh the bravery, finally, to press his teeth-torn lips to Tyler's unexpectant mouth. 

Tyler's confused brain shut down, and he relied on muscle memory. He let Josh push his whole body and heart against him, and made the first move of their connected lips— a message to Josh to soften, to pull back. He forgot everything about himself and who they were, the people who counted on them, and just enjoyed the moment. 

Tyler couldn't remember his own name, and was confused when Josh pulled back. Josh searched his face and his eyes were dark with shame and longing.  

“It’s been about you all along,” Josh confessed, and then was gone in a flash. 

His heavy footsteps running down the corridor were muffled in Tyler's ears like he'd been plunged underwater. Tyler stayed against the wall, as if convinced that to separate from it would be to finally lose all touch with reality and gravity’s grounding force, that'd he float to ceiling and up. The atmosphere would suck him into the blue void, and Tyler would never have to confront what had just happened. 

What did Josh mean? Tyler couldn’t comprehend; one minute he was yelling at Tyler for making it about himself, and the next saying it  _ was  _ about him. Did that mean that all Josh's experiments and nocturnal companions were just a comfort and distraction from the torture of being hopelessly, interminably in love with his best friend? 

Here, Tyler had been consumed with jealousy about Josh flinging himself towards other guys, but he had never considered that there was more of a motivation for Josh besides getting laid. And then to be kissed like that, like an explosion of all the pent-up emotions; Tyler couldn’t get all his thoughts in check. 

To say he had not wondered all along about what it would be like to kiss Josh, but he couldn’t think about it— Jenna. Tyler had forgotten about Jenna and how much he just hurt her, though he wasn’t the one to initiate the kiss. He didn’t know how he’d do the show, besides just forgetting as much as he could. There was a long break once everything was over— they could talk it out then.

If Josh ever wanted to speak to him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy cliffhanger, batman.
> 
> seems like they've got some stuff to work out....


	5. secrets; yeah i got mine too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aftermath of the bomb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which mars has to write another Trees speech

Hometown shows were supposed to be a celebration with all their friends and families there, and that's why they had always chosen to start and end in Columbus. This time it felt like mourning, and that was only the half of it. Only the two band members knew what had happened down deep in the tunnels of the venue— could only imagine how much worse it would have been if  _ everyone _ knew, if it wasn't just a “thank God there's a break so everyone can forget about the leak,” if all the secrets were thrown naked into the harsh light of realization. 

Tyler locked himself in the dressing room, claiming that he needed to get into the right mood, fine with letting the others believe that he had stage fright. It was better than the truth, which he was too cowardly to even tell Jenna until after— _ after, _ because this could all be the end. The last time; the future was now completely uncertain. 

He figured Josh would be hiding too, using the same excuse—they were that in sync, after all. He wasn't surprised their masks were both on when they met each other in the hallway to walk onstage, surrounded by security and witnesses. Only a soft, “let's do this” was exchanged before they separated. 

Technically the show was perfect; Tyler sang and screamed his vocal cords away, Josh drummed with every ounce of force in his muscles. The crowd wouldn't have known, just responded with equal energy— so they kept up appearances for them, because this was more than  _ Josh and Tyler  _ and had been that way for awhile. 

They delivered it all with the only hiccup of Josh over-rotating his backflip, and falling backwards onto his butt. He'd misjudged the power needed and gave the push off the piano too much of his heart. It was the wrong angle, and he dropped backwards briefly with an embarrassing jolt. The blush high in his cheeks— his only time having failed at this—Josh walked back to his drums without a glance at Tyler for admonition or reassurance. He wasn't hurt, but that ‘never’ had become ‘once’.

Tyler hadn't thought of a Trees speech at all until the microphone was before him and the synthesizer was beneath his fingertips. He had a choice of whether to follow a formula, say what was expected, or let out what he really was feeling. As much as he unleashed his heart on stage, there was almost _too_ _much_ riding on this— that he had the power to destroy and break not only the band, but Josh and the fans as well. 

The majority of the speech felt full of empty promises to return just in case this really was their last show together. He thanked the fans, because they had taken this further than either of them had either intended. This was so much bigger than a band; this was a community that was important for countless people. Tyler found the more he spoke, the more his resolve grew to make this post-kiss life work, if Josh would let him try. 

“You guys are amazing. It goes without saying that we wouldn't be here without you, and I promise you…” Tyler took a shuddering breath, chancing a glance at Josh who was watching him with an intensity that Tyler couldn’t interpret as positive or negative.

“I can't promise you anything, because we don't know what the future holds, but I can say that I am so proud of everyone standing here today. We've all been through… things, but we're here today and we're alive!” Tyler paused for cheers and looked over at Josh who was now gazing over the crowd and smiling benevolently, clapping along to their roar. 

“I can't make promises, but just remember this moment. This is something worth living for, and you are all people I would fight for. But… I've done a lot of fighting,” Tyler admitted. “I wanna be a better person for my family, my wife, my friends, my….Josh, and you all.”

The air tightened sharply at Josh’s name, the thousands of people in the arena either sensing or knowing what had transpired over this tour. 

“Give it up for Josh Dun on the drums!” Tyler said, Josh responding with a fill as the crowd cheers as loud as they've ever been, “When I think of a strong person, my mind goes right to Josh. He's the bravest person I know, and I'm lucky to have had him by my side. I'll stop before I embarrass him too much, but I hope we can be back out here together soon, if you would have us back.” 

Tyler was speaking to the crowd and to Josh, but he couldn't bring himself to look at either for the answer. Instead he started to sing “ _ I know…” _

* * *

 

There were no tearful hugs backstage, nor apologies between the two band members. Despite Tyler’s speech and apparent willingness to make amends, to work through what had finally been revealed; they both needed time. Revelations such as this require introspection and deliberation before decisions are made— Tyler was a master of both. 

The afterparty was already supposed to be a subdued affair; it didn't seem right to be celebrating after everything that had happened. Tyler wanted to escape and return to his quiet home with just Jenna nearby to help him through, but leaving meant disappointment for everyone who came and sped up the time till when he had to confess to her what had happened. 

Tyler pretended and Josh pretended; acting like there wasn't anything wrong, and laughing at all the right times. Each circulated through the invited guests, acting perfectly sociable, though possibly a little tired, but never crossing the other’s path. Josh had good practice at hiding, Tyler realized now, watching covertly around sips of his Red Bull. Josh had been acting for a long time— Josh, who was always a bad liar, had been the master of concealment. He'd hidden not only such a major part of his identity, but the direction of the ache in his heart, and Tyler—

“Taco?” Jenna interrupted Tyler’s thoughts, waving the aforementioned taco in front of his face. 

He shook his head, attempting to clear the monologue he would save for later. Tyler stuffed his face and let Jenna steer him around, allowing people to talk to him, a distraction while he continued to eat far beyond what he could handle. Tyler didn't even notice Josh leaving the party. Being overfed and bloated consumed all his thoughts. The room to care that Josh didn't even say goodbye was stuffed with snacks that he didn't remember forcing down. 

Tyler made it all the way home and into bed, resting for just an hour before he found himself crying in front of the toilet. His mind was hazy, and he wondered if this was what it was like to be intoxicated, barely aware of Jenna’s hands on his head and back. The cold compress drew him back into the present, along with her soft words of encouragement and comfort. It reminded him of how this all began— bones digging into tile, the stench of vomit, and the salt of tears.

He was so overwhelmed, the floodgates were unleashed, and Jenna was just holding onto him for dear life. Tyler hadn't said anything yet about what transpired against the wall, but her assurances that she'd be here no matter what just made him cry even more. Her love was unconditional and he was unworthy, because his mind kept replaying lips that weren't the ones kissing the shell of his ear. 

“It's been so much, Ty. You've been through a lot,” she soothed, “it’s over, baby, it's over.”

“N-no it's not,” Tyler sobbed and admitted, “it’s worse...it’s worse!”

“You're gonna take time away from the spotlight; you need it. You'll take your break and the interview will be forgotten.”

“N-not that. Something else,” her hand stilled on his back, “I— Josh— We…. I can't say. I have to say—”

The words wouldn't come out and she tried to place them in his mouth for him. 

“Tyler, did you… Is Josh… out of the band?” she asked gravely. 

Tyler could've laughed; how many times had they made that joke without an ounce of sincerity. 

“After— he could be, I don't— Jenna. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.”

“It's okay, we will work this all out. We all just need time.” Ever the optimist, she was. Tyler wasn't sure how she'd handle it; his mind so full of doom, he couldn't see any hope. 

“It's gonna hurt you— I'm sorry. Bad—bad.”

She hushed him as he began to hyperventilate. “We're going to work through this. Don't tell me now, we will talk about it in the morning. It's not the end, we will make this work. We have time.”

* * *

 

Tyler needed time, needed to digest the revelations and comprehend his own feelings. Jenna was too good for him, she gave him respite till the morning, let him stand on their deck and watch the leaves blow in the wind. She approached him with freshly baked cookies that brought tears to his eyes over the simple domesticity of their lives. Was it possible that they had just finished traveling the world? That he'd stood before crowds of screaming fans for weeks on end and now could easily slip into a quiet life? How would he live without her?

They sat in chairs they'd only just purchased the last break, and Jenna waited till Tyler spoke. He told her what Josh had angrily said, how Tyler had failed as a friend, and then what happened between their lips— how Tyler failed as a husband. 

She let him speak without interruption, the momentum building as he stopped  _ telling _ and started  _ realizing.  _

“It was so wrong, and yet— he means more to me than a best friend, and when he… kissed me, everything stopped. I should— should never see him again. I should kick him out of the band. He probably expects that because there's no way… no way we could continue as friends. I'm married and he's… Jenna, what does this all mean? Is he in love with me? How could I have missed that?”

“How does it make you feel to know this?” Jenna had flinched when Tyler revealed that he and Josh had kissed, but she maintained composure. Her voice was calm and even. 

“Scared. My stomach, like, crawls when I think about him keeping this secret for so long. Has he always felt like this?” Tyler pulled at his hair— it was getting long and he felt the urge to shave it off again. He needed a refresh. 

“I think… that your relationship with him has always been, uh, intense? You two connected so quickly, and it's probably normal to develop something… romantic,” Jenna seemed to be tiptoeing around a point and Tyler couldn't see what it was. 

“Maybe he's misinterpreted…?” Tyler mused, “I'm married! He's dated other people, and all those guys he's slept with!”

“Don't you think that's just another sign that he's been trying to ‘move on’ from you?” Jenna said plainly. “But you're a tough guy to forget… to ever stop loving… I would know. Josh hasn't told me anything— by the way— and I know why he wouldn't tell me this. He's a good person… and we can't help who we fall in love with, sometimes.”

They sat silently for a few minutes until Jenna asked the question they both had been thinking. 

“Ty… if I wasn't… if you weren't with me, would you  _ be with Josh _ ?” Jenna spoke into the fresh air and Tyler shivered as if a cold draft enveloped him. 

“I'm not gay!” Tyler protested, thinking immediately of his conversation with Josh in the ocean. For all his self-reflection, had he ever really examined his attractions?

“I've just noticed… and please stay calm, just listen to what I have to say. There's always been something special between you two, and your reaction to Josh’s leak… it was beyond anger, baby. Do you think there was… jealousy?”

“I… I guess,” Tyler mulled over. Had his almost-homophobic anger really had been jealousy that Josh was… cheating on him, in a way?

“You reacted so strongly and...Ty, you have been saying his name in your sleep for weeks,” Jenna was squeezing his hand and Tyler stared at the rings upon her finger, the ones that had bound them. 

“I love you! You're my wife, and no one else comes before you!” Tyler protested. “Whatever I may or may not be repressing, it doesn't matter, because we took  _ vows _ . I can't break them!”

Tyler was fighting a losing battle against the cracked dam that unleashed everything— images of Josh and him  _ together _ . Holding hands, kissing… other things. Jenna asking him how things would be if she wasn't— and it killed Tyler to say it, even just to himself— if she wasn't in the way, had given his brain permission to picture his alternative timeline. The one that couldn't be, and was frankly impossible to be, because of the way he was raised and the circumstances of their present. 

“Tyler,” she said, giving the final blow that knocked down his defenses, “you're in love with him, and have been for a long time. And he loves you back just as much.”

“No I'm not!” Tyler protested, but her stoic face told him that there was no use. He couldn't understand how she could remain so calm, but her eyes said that she'd realized this far before he did. With all the goodness in her heart, she'd accepted this truth. 

“I'm so sorry,” he whispered, but her face said that she had already forgiven him. Jenna embraced him and stroked his back tenderly. 

“It's okay,” she said gently, “we're going to figure it out, and we can live with this. We're all going to be happy in the end.”

“Wait,” Tyler pulled back suspiciously, “How? We can't— you're not suggesting we… go forward with this?”

Jenna nodded, “It'd make everyone happy and I don't see anything wr—”

Tyler cut across her, "It's not that simple. I made vows to you to be faithful. I can't just break them. I couldn't do that to you"

"I think..." Jenna paused, "I know that with anyone else, it would kill me to know you're kissing them, loving them. But somehow, just the fact it's  _ him _ I... I don't feel that. It's almost like, in the way that I love making you smile, I want him to be happy, as well. Josh isn't anyone else; he's something special to me, too."

“So… what does that all mean? What can I do? What should I do?”

“You should go to him,” Jenna squeezed his shoulder, “Talk to him… see what you both want to do. I don’t know, baby, this is all so different, but that’s okay!” she reassured him in response to his look of distress. “We’re going to figure it out.”

They watched the trees, the breeze picking up, and Tyler worried that there was a storm coming. He felt like a seesaw of relief and dread, imagining what it’d be like to  _ do things _ with Josh.  Things he’d never allowed his waking mind to picture, except in dreams he woke from confused and hard. His mind spun the wheel of moments where Josh and he were too close, too near to be just platonic. In so many years, there had been times where they nearly kissed.

With a thrill, he thought of the nude photos, the ones that had started the path to this very moment on his deck. Had Josh thought of him while taking those photos? If the hookups had been a distraction from the hopeless love, had Josh dreamed about Tyler like he’d been trying not to all along?

But even if all that were true, how could Jenna let Tyler run off with someone else?

“I feel like I’m betraying you, by thinking about him like, romantically,” Tyler said after a while.

Jenna made a noise of agreement. “I’ve made my peace with how it is, how this was all supposed end, all along. And it’s not like you’re running off with a stranger. You’ll still be mine, too. It’s different with us, and it’ll be different with him… it already  _ is _ something with him. And Josh is special. So, just… yeah. Go ahead. Kiss him.  _ Be with him, _ in all the ways that means.”

Tyler couldn’t believe the words leaving her mouth, beyond anything he could imagine.

“He’s not going to want to talk to me after what happened,” Tyler sighed heavily. There were definitely rain clouds rolling from the horizon. The air was suddenly chilly, and Tyler felt the anticipation of lightning.

"You’ve got a good chance. Josh is almost too forgiving,” Jenna said fondly. “I’m freezing, though. Let’s go inside before we get a cold.”

Her hand found his with the ease and comfort of many years of practice. In that pending storm, she was his sunshine, and his heart brimmed with love. He could never choose between the two of them, but that moment reminded him why he was so lucky to have her love him back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's my birthday today so I've gifted you all another chapter. <3 thanks for your kind comments and kudos on this and every of my fics. writing is a real joy for me and I'm thankful for all of you.


	6. I don't care about what you did

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler hides in the bushes but finally, they both stop pretending

Taking a break, hiatus, whatever this was, Tyler turned back from the spotlight and faced his family, the life he left behind whenever he went to the airport. Still though, in the quiet moments on his couch, he would pull up Twitter, or Instagram or any other social media. Tyler knew it was dangerous, easily reminded how he found out about the leak while casually scrolling through.

This time he had a purpose, and he searched for any mention or hint of where Josh was hiding. Tyler had given him a few days, figuring the drummer would escape back to LA just to put distance between them. His texts and calls just to check if Josh was okay went without reply. Tyler had even resorted to contacting Jordan, who insisted Josh was fine— that he’d at least heard from him - but Jordan didn’t actually know  _ where _ Josh went. Tyler thought it was also possible that Jordan had been told not to say anything to him.

Tyler drove past Josh’s house more and more frequently, trying to spot a sign of his friend… but now was he someone more? Nothing seemed to change from each time— the car in the driveway didn’t move, as far as Tyler could tell. For all his checking, Tyler was sure that Josh wasn’t in Columbus.

He was going to give Josh a month before he got truly desperate, when one day he finally searched the right phrase on the right app at the right time. Three weeks into this forced separation, and a fan happened to immediately post a photo with the drummer after meeting him in the grocery store… in Ohio, not far from where Josh lived.

Quite a few traffic laws were broken as Tyler raced over to Josh’s house, and he moved so quickly that Josh’s car wasn’t there when he arrived. Tyler cursed and blessed his luck that he’d be waiting for Josh when he returned; hopefully Josh wouldn’t run off after seeing him there.

He figured it'd be creepy to be waiting for Josh inside— Tyler had a spare key of course. He just chose not to use it when he was looking for Josh out of respect, though to be fair, he wanted to. There wasn't enough time to figure out his other options, as Tyler could hear a car approaching. He could recognize Josh’s Volkswagen from far away, and it seemed the confrontation would be coming sooner than expected. 

In a moment of temporary insanity, Tyler panicked and dove for the bushes by Josh’s front door. Crouching in the mulch, he watched the wheels pull up with the muffled bass thump of whatever Josh was listening to loudly. Tyler found himself to be in an even worse predicament; if he popped up now, Josh would be shocked and probably drop all his groceries. Milk exploding against the pavement  wouldn’t be a good start to making things right.

Tyler decided he was going to wait for Josh to head in the house before ringing the doorbell until he answered. It would’ve been a good plan if Josh’s footsteps didn’t stop in front of the bush Tyler was hiding behind, and a resigned voice said, “If you’re just gonna hang around, you might as well help me carry this all in.”

“Um, hey,” Tyler said, trying to be cool, but failed miserably as he stood up and a shower of dirt poured from him. 

Josh snickered and it gave Tyler some hope, “I’m not even gonna make the joke about you hiding in the trees. Too easy.”

“I ‘ppreciate it,” Tyler replied, walking to the trunk of Josh’s car and grabbing as many bags as he could hold, just because that’s how it was with him. He made sure to send a quick text to Jenna to let her know that the conversation was about to happen. (“ _ Do you need backup?” _ she had replied).

It wasn’t awkward between them, thankfully. Conversation was how it usually was when they were apart for any amount of time; catching up about family and friends, though Josh hadn’t left the house much. The amount of food he bought spoke to the fact that he had planned on not leaving for a long time. 

“You wanna talk in the TV room?” Josh suggested once all the food had been put into the fridge or cupboards. He was leaning against the counter, hips tilted and eyes cast down to his sneakers. Arms crossed inward, and Tyler could read in the implosion of Josh’s body language that he was quietly terrified. Tyler wanted to say something comforting, but he didn’t want to jump the gun. Tyler felt it was safe enough to rest a hand on the back of Josh’s arm as they walked to the living room— he had helped Josh pick them out, insisting they had to be super comfortable as they both tried out every couch in several stores.

It had been pointed out to them that they always sat close to each other, but Tyler had never thought to analyze it. They had always been drawn to each other, always needed to be close, and this time wasn’t any different. Josh picked at the hole in his jeans rather than look at Tyler in the face, though his hand was just a few inches from Tyler’s leg.

“I’m… sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for, you know… kissing you,” Josh started.

“Hey, man. You don’t need to apologize about that. First off, I’m the person that needs to say sorry, ‘cause I’ve treated you really crappy and I haven’t been a good friend.” Tyler clapped a hand over Josh’s, stilling the fidgeting.

Josh shrugged and said nothing.

“It was really shocking, but like, it was a real wake-up. I needed that, needed to think about why I was acting like such a… such a dipcrap,” Tyler grinned at Josh, hoping to get a laugh, but Josh’s expression was too serious.

“So, I’ve, um, been thinking about the kiss, and all my feelings that I’d been ignoring for, like, years.” Tyler couldn’t believe the words that were leaving his mouth, and Josh was finally looking him in the eyes. Twin disbelief between, and each were taking shallow breaths.

“What you said at the beach got me thinking. At first, I didn’t want to think about it at the time because it just made so much sense to me,” Tyler explained. “Everything seemed to make sense: our upbringing, never even  _ thinking _ about the fact that I was— I  _ am _ — attracted to guys as well as girls. I made jokes, I played around, but it was all, like, an excuse to, uh, be  _ near _ guys that I was into.”

Josh’s brow was furrowed, and Tyler wanted to look away, but like speeding towards a wall with no brakes, he couldn’t swerve or stop before plunging into the truth.

“Josh, have you had thoughts about… me?” Tyler didn’t wait for a response he knew wasn’t going to come. “‘Cause for years, I just tried to shake them off as nothing. Like it was just ‘cause we spent so much time together. And life was moving so fast, the band was big. But I had Jenna, and it didn’t make sense how much I— I feel about you.” 

Tyler’s chest heaved as the words tumbled out of him and he couldn’t take a breath. 

“I’m in love with you.”

It almost echoed, and Tyler wanted to appreciate the reverb, but Josh couldn’t hold himself back.

“No,” Josh whispered. “No you’re not. You’re just saying it. You’re not supposed to— You can’t. Tyler, what about  _ her _ ? What about Jenna? You can’t do this to her, goddamnit.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay!” Tyler insisted. “She’s okay with it; Jenna pretty much pushed me into admitting all this. She wants us to work things out, I guess she really likes you too.” He laughed a little.

Josh wasn’t ready to just accept Tyler’s pronouncement, “Dude, I just can’t help but think you’re just saying this to make me feel better or something.”

“Josh! I’d never do that to you! You’re one of the most important people to me,” Tyler felt hurt and anger that Josh couldn’t trust him after he had bared his heart.

“It’s just that you’ve, um, been acting weird lately and it could be you ‘losing it’ all over again. There’s no way to know you’re not  _ just doing this _ to make things okay.” Josh was not only speaking from a place of fear and years of longing, but also incredulity that this was actually happening. That the conversation he’d imagined was happening at that moment on his couch.

Tyler spluttered, “But— But— Josh, I really— I couldn’t! I would never hurt you like that! I’ve been dreaming about kissing you, touching you, having sex with you since we  _ met _ . You have got to believe me!”

He was sick of just talking, not sure how else to express how much he  _ felt _ for the man sitting inches from him and not believing how much Tyler loved him. He knew Josh sometimes felt that he was unworthy of love, even though he was so kind and giving. Tyler just wanted him to finally understand that he was accepted and even more than that.

Tyler launched himself forward, unaware of where his hands went; the only thought on his mind was that he needed to be as close to Josh as possible. Their mouths collided, and Tyler ended up partially on top of Josh. The drummer didn’t kiss back, he tried to speak, and Tyler pulled away from lips that weren’t kissing his.

“Tyler. We shouldn’t— Jenna!”

“She’s okay with it. You can ask her yourself!” 

As soon as Jenna was placed on FaceTime, she told Tyler to leave, saying that she and Josh needed privacy, and “why are you covered in dirt? You need to take a shower!”

Tyler found himself taking a very long shower to give the two of them time to discuss. He wandered to Josh’s room to sort through his closet and drawers, pulling out clean clothing that Tyler was going to insist was his to begin with. 

“Tyler?” Josh poked his head into his own bedroom where Tyler was waiting, lying across his bed. “Jenna wants to talk to the both of us now.”

Josh settled next to him, pressing along his side under the pretense presumably of getting them both into frame, though Tyler took it as an encouraging sign. He was so warm, Tyler could've wept with how natural this all felt. They'd been lying like this for years, but now it was in the open— their true feelings. Jenna was beaming on the screen, as if she was just as happy as they were to see the two of them lying like this. 

“So… we good?” Tyler asked, though it seemed to not need an answer since both had started to snicker.

“Yeah, we’re cool,” Josh’s head went to Tyler’s shoulder, “Jenna was just giving me ‘tips’ and warning… something about not waking you up with a blowjob?”

Tyler groaned while Jenna laughed mischievously “I said I was sorry!” he whined.

“Babe, you kneed me in the chest and then kicked me in the face as I fell backwards… you’re not going to hear this end of this for, like,  _ years _ ,” Jenna replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Man, I can’t  _ believe _ you didn’t tell me that story before,” Josh said, bumping their knees together.

This was all surreal, and Tyler had to keep figuratively pinching himself to remember this wasn’t a dream. Josh and him lying close together on a bed, Jenna watching without an ounce of anger or jealousy. She knew they’d always come back to her, that there was no way that she’d be left behind. Tyler admired her faith, how strong she was, but that was the reason why he could never betray her. Her heart would always be his light.

“I want you both to be home for dinner tonight; I’m trying a new recipe and I’ve missed your face, Joshie.” Tyler could see Josh blush a little. Jenna cleared her throat, “You have some time to… you know… get comfy with each other.”

“Um, what can we do?” Tyler asked.

“Up to you guys. Whatever feels right and safe between the two of you. Don’t rush, if you feel like you you need more time. It’s a lot to go from being best friends for years and years, to kissing and taking off your clothes together, “ she said wisely. “I’ve got to do stuff, so I’ll leave you both to it. See you in a few hours.” She bid them goodbye with gentle threats of what she’d do if they weren’t at the house by precisely seven p.m.

And then the call ended. It was just the two of them lying next to each other without distraction, restraint, or secrets. Neither knew where to begin.

“Am I dreaming, or is this actually happening?” Josh spoke first. They had both been looking at the ceiling, realizing how fast the curtains had been torn down, and light flooded into their unlocked hearts. It felt like prom night to Tyler, or whatever the equivalent was for him since he hadn’t had post-prom sex. They were alone, they had permission, but to make the first move, to even suggestively touch the other, felt like a massive feat. 

Josh’s head was still resting on his shoulder and Tyler’s hand found its way to the thigh pressed to his own. His thumb stroked back and forth and Josh shifted, prompting Tyler to move in unison. Rearranging to lie facing each other, a simple “okay?” “yes, ready,” and they were kissing. 

It was much more gentle than their first and second kisses; lips touching with featherlight brushes as they tested their daring and comfort. Finding pleasure in the most innocent of kissing, together they moved closer, and their lips met with more daring and need from years of only dreaming this in private. 

Their hands had always been courageous, beyond what was acceptable for ‘just friends,’ and now they were free to roam. Josh’s hands were cool when they found Tyler’s shower-warmed skin, sliding below his shirt— which may have actually been Josh’s shirt after all— and finding the creases of his lower back. Tyler shivered and his hips canted forward, but they did nothing further than just meeting and pressing. Josh’s shirt was thankfully thin and sleeveless— the baggy type that made it easy for Tyler to finally get his hands on the muscles he had always admired and longed to touch like this. 

Their mouths were opening to the other, tongues tracing and gently finding the way in. It was all so distracting that, Tyler’s hands had stopped moving once Josh licked his teeth. Both pulled back to laugh a little before sinking right into each other’s mouths, the distance unbearable even for that short time. 

Josh made the best noises, Tyler concluded, once his fingers started to rub and play with Josh’s nipples. Rumbling from his chest, the groans of pleasure couldn’t be withheld, though they never fully left his mouth and hit the air. Tyler wanted to hear them, wanted to know what it was like to have Josh’s voice raise in pitch and cry out Tyler’s name. The feeling overwhelmed him so much, he had to pull away from Josh’s face to gasp for air, his heart racing.

“Tyler?” Josh whispered, and Tyler nodded. “I love you so much.”

With a surge of  _ love  _ and _ need _ , Tyler moved the whole situation forward. 

Josh let Tyler roll him onto his back, eyes wide with surprise and anticipation as Tyler climbed on top of him. They paused to look into each other’s faces, searching for regret and only finding trust. Their legs notched together and they returned to kissing with even more vigor. Josh started rucking up Tyler’s shirt, and Tyler copied his movements. Shirts shed, Tyler began to suck on Josh’s neck, finally earning those moans and gasps.

“S-so good. Tyler, please.” Josh’s back arched and his hips ground against Tyler’s— whether it was on purpose or just a reaction to the onslaught on his sensitive neck, well, he wasn’t to say.

“What do you want?” Tyler’s words danced across Josh’s reddening skin.

“I- I- I don’t know. I’m- This is so much. I can’t believe we’re…” Josh covered his face with both his hands, taking a shaking breath.

“It’s okay. I know this is a lot. I’m kinda… yeah I’m kinda in shock about this too.” Tyler dipped his head between Josh’s palms and gave him a quick kiss. From what little he could see, Josh smiled.

“We can slow down for a bit, or just stop if you want?” Tyler said. “Probably smart… this is all really new… I haven't been with a guy before.” He kept pausing for short pecks upon Josh’s jaw and neck. 

But for Tyler it wasn't really as scary as he'd been imagining it. Maybe ‘being with a guy’ wasn't so terrifyingly new and unknown, though that could also just be an extension of how safe and comfortable he felt with Josh. Being this wrapped up in each other was natural; to smell each other’s general essence, to feel every shift of their body, the hard-ons pressing against layers of thick pants. It was eased by years of close contact and slow, burning love. 

“Wanna take my time with you.” Josh whispered, moving his hands away. He smiled up at Tyler, and touched his face lightly, while wrapping his other arm around Tyler’s middle to pull him closer to his body. They both needed this so badly, having denied themselves this deep, hidden desire, that to finally have all the time and approval necessary… it was no surprise that they couldn't get enough of each other. 

Josh's sides were too smooth to hold, hips turning into too sharp creases leading  _ downward _ ; all too tempting and perfect for Tyler to stop wanting more. Time was no set object, dinnertime would happen when they were ready. Right now they were hungry only for each other, and lips upon newly bared skin. 

The presence of Josh’s hard cock had been obvious, but concealed through his jeans, and Tyler's own was throbbing with need. Head somewhere down near Josh’s navel; Tyler’s breath caught in his throat as he began to unbutton the jeans. 

Josh made a noise Tyler wasn't able to place and he was immediately afraid that he was pushing him too much. 

“Are you okay? I can stop!” Tyler exclaimed and Josh shook his head. 

“S’okay,” he mumbled. “Just… can't believe this is really happening. Tyler, I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Tyler replied with a kiss to his stomach. “Can I take off your pants, please?”

Josh laughed a little. “Yeah, dude. I've been dreaming about this forever.”

“Really? Me taking off your pants?” Tyler grinned mischievously, unzipping and pulling them down. “What do I do next?”

“Uh,” Josh blushed, “T-touch me through my underwear, and then… um, if you want… take off your pants too?”

Tyler laid along Josh’s side, kissing his shoulder and letting his fingers tiptoe across his lower belly. He followed the trail, feeling the coarse hair and twitching contractions of Josh’s abs. He swirled and traced downwards, right along the skin where his waistband rested temptingly. He crossed the line to the cloth, mere millimeters away from the tent in the dark navy boxer briefs. 

Tyler cast from his mind all thought of  _ the photos _ . This was healing, this was pure and blissful desperation. They could've and maybe  _ should've _ taken all the time that had been gifted to them, but the uncovering made them want to rush to exposure. 

“You wanna be touched like this?” Tyler said, his hand finally moving the short distance to find the soft, firm head of Josh’s dick. Josh groaned and threw his head back as Tyler outlined and squeezed. The photos and the other guys didn’t matter now, and in the end they should  never have mattered. Whatever Tyler had seen of his friend and lover was nothing that could prepare for or compare to what it felt like to feel the hard length in his palm through the cloth. 

Josh had closed his eyes, and the arm that was under Tyler’s neck pulled him even closer. Tyler began to stroke, the movement abbreviated and lacking in what Josh need, but it was what he wanted. The daring tease— so close for skin to meet skin; Tyler couldn’t wait anymore. He withdrew his hand and shoved his pants off before Josh could ever realize the touch was missing.

Tyler sat up on Josh’s pelvis, straddling and rolling his hips so he could provide even more pressure and heat to Josh’s hard-on.  _ They were going to have sex _ , Tyler realized, enjoying riding the cock beneath him. It might not happen today, though it seemed more than likely, but at some point, they were indeed going to have sex. 

Josh had a grip upon Tyler’s hips that clutched as if he was scared to let Tyler escape his grasp. That letting go would mean all this would slip away; everything that he wanted and finally had would cease to exist. 

“I’m here. I’m here,” Tyler leaned over to whisper in Josh’s ear, kissing the tattoo just a little ways behind it. The angle change was more intimate, tattooed chest brushing fully against muscular pecs. Their whole bodies and lengths were matched. The final barrier needed to be removed, and it was Josh who took the initiative this time.

His hands both slipped below the elastic waistband to take Tyler’s ass in both hands, squeezing and moving him faster. They whispered each other’s names and moaned as the underwear was finally shed. The grinding picked up pace till they were caught in kissing once again. It was easier to gasp for air and liberate their noises into the other’s mouth while stroking their best friend’s dick, side-by-side again. Bare, dry— too desperate to get their hands on the most sensitive part. 

“Tyler… Tyler… are you— is this okay? Oh, God this is good,” Josh moaned, thumbing the head of Tyler’s cock and earning a few drops of precome.

“So good, mmm,” Tyler responded. “Jishwa, I want you… want you so bad.”

“M-me too,” Josh nuzzled him.

“I- I-” Tyler was struggling to get out how much he felt, what he needed. The words he wanted to say were so massive and he couldn’t believe he was saying them. “I want you inside me.”

“Wh-what? You serious?” Josh had pulled back, and was examining Tyler closely. “Dude, I’m fine bottoming the first time. It’s not… easy to take a dick for the first time especially if you’ve never had anything up there before.”

Tyler scoffed, “How do you know I haven’t had something in my ass before?”

“Besides the stick up your ass?” Joking… joking,” Josh laughed, but his face changed rapidly at the look on Tyler’s face. “Seriously? You’ve…?” Josh was flabbergasted.

“Yeah um… I’ve, uh, had buttsex before, a couple times actually.” Tyler tried to leave it at that, but Josh made a motion like ‘you’ve got to explain.’ “Strap-ons are a thing and they’re pretty, uh, great?”

Josh was nodding like he’d forgotten he was nodding, lost in the surprise, a human metronome.

“Alright, so do you have lube and condoms?” Tyler changed the subject, “Let’s get this train back on the tracks. C’mon man.”

Josh blushed and began to fumble in a side table, producing the supplies. Tyler drew him back into a kiss, and they quickly found the path again. The excitement built; Tyler felt daring and thrilled to have Josh’s slick finger disappearing between his cheeks. 

Josh was good at this, Tyler could appreciate the tease and dipping in till he was begging to take a finger. The stretch and burn eased with Josh’s deft fingers at work, and mouth distracting him. Before long, Tyler was begging for two and three until “Oh shit, oh shit… Josh, I’m ready!” came with enough work upon his prostate.

Before Josh could roll on top of Tyler, he was being shoved onto his back. “Put the condom on, I’m gonna ride you,” Tyler directed, and Josh was more than eager to follow. 

Their hearts raced in tandem, already shaking slightly with the sheer immensity of the moment. They were finally consummating their love and this was the true point of no return— with Tyler slowly, slowly sinking down on Josh’s dick. It seemed to take several lifetimes before Tyler took all of Josh. They paused and stared into each other’s eyes. Tyler was so very much in love with Josh; they’d taken a long way to reach this point with each other. It was almost sad to think they could have been doing this for years, but this moment was too perfect to ruin with regrets. 

Everything that was meant to happen, occurred how it was supposed to.  All the ups and downs, just so they could become better people to love the other as the other deserved. Josh looked so beautiful, his face relaxed and overcome by the ecstasy that Tyler was giving him, beginning to rise up and down. 

Only simple words and curses slipped out, as the pace picked up. Tyler’s focus dropped to just the feeling of Josh inside him, making his body come alive with electric shocks of pleasure. He wanted to pay attention to more, forcing himself to stare at Josh’s hands on his thighs, or how his back arched up to meet him. They were moving together, the slap of skin rhythmic as the beats of their hearts. 

“Can’t believe...Tyler…” Josh tried to echo his much repeated disbelief at how this had all moved. Maybe it all would’ve been more real if they’d waited, if they let their minds comprehend that this was even a possibility rather than rushing to shed their clothes and dive completely into intimacy. But that was all useless ‘could’ve should’ve would’ve,’ because nothing was better than this. To reduce their whole world to just this moment, and toss out all their preoccupations— this was heaven.

Josh seemed to regain some higher function to his brain, starting to jerk Tyler off, and making him weak with so much stimulation. Tyler had had great, mind-blowing sex before and he’d never diminish how it was with his wife, it’s just that Josh was different. That’s how he expected it to be from now on. Each of the people he loved would be something wonderful and different, and completely rock his world.

“Gonna come, oh shit,” the drummer said, losing the rhythm and beginning to buck. Tyler leaned over to get the best angle to work him through. Josh tried to bury himself deep in Tyler, a moan Tyler hadn’t heard before but quickly filed it away as the sign that Josh had climaxed, and then he slowly relaxed.

Tyler was thankful for the break; his thighs were burning, his ass was numb, but his dick was throbbing for release. He was willing to give Josh time, but in a few short seconds of catching his breath, Josh was rolling Tyler onto his back. He was on his high still, and Tyler didn’t need to ask to know where he was headed. 

Nothing could have prepared Tyler for seeing Josh's lips stretching around him to take his dick into his mouth. As if his eyes couldn't take the sight, they rolled back, and Tyler gave a high-pitched whine. That moment was so very real, Tyler found himself unbelievably close to the edge. 

Josh seemed to be blissful; eyes shut loosely, and mouth slicking Tyler so well, it was barely any effort to bob and suck. Stretched out across the bed, perpendicular to Tyler, with a magnificent back that dipped and rose to an ass Tyler wanted to know. God, Tyler wanted to do everything to and with him. 

Like the fire rising in his belly, the love for the man lying with him swelled his heart, and Tyler cried out a warning. Josh pulled off and stroked Tyler through his climax, smiling up at the man who meant the world to him. Tyler twisted the sheets, and came upon his stomach. He never wanted it to end, wanting to surf the waves carrying him to the tingling sunlight. They took him to the shore, and he lay shaking in the aftermath and intensity with a warm body embracing his.

They panted and held each other, both with tears leaking out of the corners of their eyes. Josh’s ribs stretched and contracted under Tyler’s hand and they ignored the mess drying upon each of them. This moment was too perfect to end, or acknowledge a world outside the their private sanctuary. 

Tyler had always felt fiercely protective of Josh and attributed to a friendship like no other, but now he understood why he wanted to break anyone that caused Josh pain. He knew he had to be healthier about it, but after this bond they had grown even more, Tyler wanted to give him everything. 

If there was any doubt that they would ever fade apart, or lose each other; it was gone. Tyler had spent so much of his life being let down by others and waiting for the person to abandon him eventually. All he had to do was remember the look Josh gave him, with fire smoldering in his eyes, and soft words that promised eternity. That is when it all changed for him. Tyler realized it wasn’t just about what he got from his loved ones— Jenna and now Josh— but how much love he gave back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yesssss finallyyyyy yessssss   
> (also mars, me, I, #1 bottom josh stan has written bottom tyler twice (2) in a row???? what????)


	7. perfect enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> epilogue.

Jenna was right when she said that taking a break would give time for people to move onto the next controversy and forget Josh’s pictures. It was just a few months, but they not only got the studio time they wanted, but a long break to explore what the dynamic of the new relationship would become.

Josh only went back to LA when Tyler went too, for recording. He remarked that he hadn’t ever eaten this well so consistently since he’d moved out of his parents house, because Jenna was cooking dinner for him practically every night.

“Yeah, I don’t think you’ve gone a day without seeing us for weeks,” Tyler replied,.“Not like I don’t want to spend all this time with you!” he hastened to clarify; Josh had expressed some fear that Jenna and Tyler would get sick of him and want their own space.

“But?” Josh asked quietly. They’d been watching TV after yet another good meal.

“But nothing!” Jenna chimed in from where she was painting her toe with newspaper to protect the floor. “Babe, we’d miss you too much. What color do you want me to paint your fingernails?”

Josh blushed; he hadn’t gotten used to the quiet ease in which they’d adopted him into their home life. Every other break, Josh had shot off to California, and would only come to Columbus when he had to or felt the passing whim. It had always been too quiet in Ohio since it felt like Tyler was off limits during those times, so the LA crowd kept him busy and consistently laid instead.

In a way, he was getting laid even more frequently now, and the domestic life was busier than Josh had expected. He had slipped so quickly into their lives, and a routine had been established. There’d be Jenna-Tyler nights when Josh spent time with his friends, but then Josh-and-Tyler time for the things that all three weren’t too comfortable yet sharing. But with the increase of Josh-Jenna dates, that was likely to be the next change.

Tyler usually felt breaks were necessary to recover, but it normally didn’t take long for him to crave the crowd’s roar and the burn of lights upon his face. This time was so special and exciting, he was in no rush. Where home life could get repetitive, the new relationship was thrilling. There were so many new things to try, but the best part of this all was watching Josh and Jenna fall in love too. They had known and loved each other in a different way for so many years, but the possibility of looking at each other in a different way had been off limits and impossible.

It was all so safe and comforting to fall asleep between the two of them. To wake up and find Josh with mussed hair and his mouth hanging open as he slept undisturbed, and all Tyler could see of Jenna was just a bit of blonde poking out of the blankets. Nothing could hurt them because they would always have each other.

The guys who had leaked Josh’s nudes faded into obscurity. There was no payout or reality show or tabloid tell-all; and Tyler was grateful that the band’s fame wasn’t at that level. Sure, @toptop338 kept the several thousand followers he gained from the incident, but he was harmless. Not that Tyler didn’t still want to punch him if they ever had the misfortune to meet— having two significant others was not turning him into a complete softie yet. 

But one thing bothered him, and he knew if he brought it up to either of his partners, they would laugh and say he was being ridiculous. But being ridiculous was a big part of being Tyler Joseph.

Josh and him were brushing their teeth when the idea came to him. It wasn’t the happy domesticity of morning, nor the fact that all three of them had sex last night for the first time together. It was just how comical it was to Tyler that the two of them had done this before many times over the years, but now they were stark naked as if that was the most natural thing in the world. Tyler felt freer than he ever had.

“Dude you should post your own nudes,” Tyler blurted out.

Josh said nothing, mouth full of white foam. He stared at Tyler and gave a few more strokes of the toothbrush before spitting into the sink.

“Yeah, sure.” Josh said, which was not the reaction Tyler was expecting.

“What?” He exclaimed.

“Yeah! Let’s take a nude right now,” Josh grabbed his phone from the counter and began to pose with the toothbrush back in his mouth.

“Y-you want me in the photo?” Tyler stammered, starting to edge out of the bathroom.

“Of course I want you in the photo! I mean... you don’t have to be in it if you don’t want to. I’m not forcing you to take nudes,” Josh said

“But this is your thing, your… empowerment. I don’t wanna take this away from you.”

Josh shook his head, grabbing Tyler’s wrist as he tried to wipe the toothpaste that dripped down his chin. “It’d be cool to do this as a band y’know?” 

“It’d be totally sick, man,” Tyler agreed, positioning himself in a casually seductive way with his toothbrush just a little behind Josh— it was  _ his _ photo after all. 

The lighting was great, their bodies looked awesome, if Tyler was allowed to be a tad vain. The choice to keep the toothpaste spatter was hilarious. They selected the best two photos— one for Josh’s instagram and the other for Tyler’s and posted together before either could get cold feet.

“What the heck are you two doing in there?” Jenna yelled from downstairs, clearly exasperated by their antics— having their social media on her notifications meant there was no doubt that she hadn’t seen the photos. 

‘Scrub a dub dub, two bros in the tub’ and ‘dø your wørst. can’t take us døwn’ were their captions, and their dicks were clearly out.

“These are some pretty great nudes,” Josh remarked, “I would know.”

Tyler burst out laughing, and grabbed his boyfriend for a minty fresh kiss. Everything was perfect regardless of the twin dings of texts and notifications from the Internet melting down. Tyler had everything he could have wanted— the man he loved kissing him, and his wonderful wife calling them both to get breakfast. But, as long as Jenna and Josh were happy, Tyler’s own happiness was inconsequential to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for sticking to the end! I hope you enjoyed, and I hope to write a coda or two in the future. 
> 
> Again, thank you so much to flightlessnerds for dragging me through this even when I doubted myself, for editing, and for being my cheerleader. 
> 
> Thank you to all my other friends who listened to me whine, tease, and rant about this fic. 
> 
> To all who read and commented; thank you. You help me so much to continue to do this. Your feedback and keysmashing makes all this worthwhile. Thank you a million times and I'll be back soon.

**Author's Note:**

> I have been working on this for over three months and I am so thrilled to finally post this for you all! This is all completely written and will be posted over the next few weeks.
> 
> Extra special thank you to my beta and writing wife, Ella ([flightlessnerds](http://archiveofourown.org/users/flightlessnerds/works)) for being here for me since the beginning. For hearing every little idea, for editing the hell out of my first draft, and most importantly for keeping me writing this. I am grateful you helped me persevere and kept my sanity.
> 
> Happy (belated) birthday to Joshie ([dbmk](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dbmk/works)). Thank you for being patient and I hope you enjoy.
> 
> I am [teeentyonepilots](http://teeentyonepilots.tumblr.com/) on tumblr. Come say hey!


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